awakening of the ______ senses

a few years ago it came back to me, haunting me to no end. it took me for a year, clawing itself in ever so slowly til it finally takes root.

i did not know what you were, or what you wanted from me.
i did not know why it took you 16 years to come.
i did not know why you came now.

but i did learn, in futility, the breaking of my soul, my innocence.
i did learn the root of my distrust.
i did learn of the walls i built up.
i did learn the incomprehensible logic it taught me.
i did learn, and in that, you ruined me.

but i did not learn to tell anyone yet.
nor that i ever will.

as the last person who held my resolute trust has gone, gone, to ashes.

and honey, it can never be you. so, so precious.

set ablaze

moving on from one sweet tooth to another, here we are again.

three years on fire, clouded in smoke. that's the price I had to pay.

still, I will never be complete, whole, one again.

if only you could see, through the glasses i forged for you all these years,
see what I really am.

then maybe i'll be free. just, maybe.

cubicle

It's been two months, and I'm still feeling antsy. Maybe I should've done this.. maybe I should've done that. But in the end, the fact is I still haven't done it yet. I need to move forward soon... the first step is always the hardest, so just get on with it.

I miss my past life. I miss the excitement, I miss the people, I miss the stimulation, but most of all, I miss the opportunities. Yes, that sweet, sweet possibilities that anything could happen. Now it's all monotony, and routine. And that makes me sad, to think that life amounts to just this.

It's alright, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving. There's nowhere to go to but forward, and u better damn well have courage for it.

Keep moving, keep moving.

chosen

Got the news a couple of weeks back. I always knew it was never an option for me, but it still hits a spot for some reason.

No, this is not longing, and neither is it envy. It is not a diverged road, or an alternative. If I had to explain, it feels like something setting me free.. confirming what I already know.

Here's to wishing you all the best. May your road be paved in gold from now on.

Goodbye.

absence

Hey there, been a while old friend.

I'm feeling lost. 6 months prior, I was having a panic attack, added with denial and self delusion. Glad we're past that stage, but now a new phase comes altogether - the actual dreaded moment, that one that we've been fantasizing, feeding and yet rejecting all this while.

So many questions, so little answers... I've been feeling it creeping up, slowly and surely but yet still unable to perceive what it is. It's like a fucken ninja stalking you from the darkness, there's no running away from that shit. (pardon my french)

But yeah, had a massive row with E few days back, it hurts when you realize that you don't matter so much for a considerate thought. This.. in a way was an eye-opener, and I hope we did the right thing by addressing it. It's funny though, a 12-step approach is kind of the best way to tackle any problems that comes your way.

But.. to be honest though, something inside of me changed a bit. No, I'm not talking about the whole graduating-and-coming-into-the-real-world change.. but this is more. I can't quite put my finger on it yet (or maybe I do, and I just don't want to tell you. HA-HA) but one thing I know is that the journey just got a little bit harder.

Past resentments, it does not help that you linger. To everyone else, how do you make it go away?

when u stop believing?

I was chatting with a friend earlier this month ; and as we were catching up to life, love in particular I found myself saying this;

“xxxx is a game, we all got to play it”

Right after saying it, I realized how different I sounded from last year. Before this I never acknowledged the need to play at this game. Back then, all I believed in was where there are two people with the same feelings, that alone is enough to get them by. No manipulations, no calculations and no strategies in capturing the one thing you want, its nothing like this game of chess I’m trying to play now.

What had changed me in me? Did I change at all? Maybe I was too contented before, enough to believe that alls good in this world. Naiveté? Probably. Did experience teach us all to be cynical at the end? Maybe. But is it not enough to just follow that drive inside of you, and not to count your every single move? Is this really growing up?

I don’t know, somebody please explain it to me. I don’t like me this year.

borderline insane

it doesn't understand negatives. it doesn't understand "no" or "don't". it doesn't get humour, nor sarcasm. all these are just the manifestations of it. now.. the trick is, you can program it to give you what you want. the moment u visualize it, it will materialize, how cool is that?

well somebody told me these secrets, and i personally envy him for being the blessed child. but i'm going to try them anyway. just don't expect me to abandon all moroseness altogether, that's why i have you, my love. maybe i'm making allowances for myself, but c'est la vie.

c'est la vie, c'est la vie.

life's too awful to be good. oh wait, i meant that the other way around. :)