i'm tired

i'm quite the pretentious liar aren't i?

most of the time, the entries only make it as far as being written. honest thoughts about everything under the sun, the people in my life, ideas, even that green ball on my table (which i stole. by the way) make it only as far as just being thoughts. never making it into print, never with evidence. suppose this is my self-defense mechanism, a way to mask myself. then whats the point of all the valued praises of self-expression? how is one to know me? how about the resolve i made in tears, to fucking be more honest faced with the most undesired outcome?

in a way, it sucks being home. but the sense of familiarity and purpose here made me tick, yes it does so well. funnily, 18 months ago i hated this situation, my thoughts went stagnant, numb. but as it is today, it made me realize plenty more things, sure they are different from the ones conjured up im malacca (where it mainly consists of petty ways to pass time, the building of relationships and ways to act) but i suppose the ones here have a more profound meaning. but then again, both seems to be the opposite side of the coin, i guess. each equally important to myself. but... for a strange reason i feel a sense of calmness here. purpose, but also mixed in with a feeling of being trapped.

as much as i love the people who brought me into this world, i could not (i tried, believe me god i did, maybe not as strongly and full of conviction, but i did try. i did and found out it was not for me) live like them. ideas, culture, life,( although i know these thoughts might change even with the discovery of a mere single new idea), all different. its just different. and how i wish i could make them see, make them understand and accept it, but the fear of breaking their tender hearts overpower it. sure, im trying, in my own pathetic little way. but i guess its acceptable to give it time, and just show them how it is. funny, someone mentioned i was dumb,c0mpletely idiotic for wanting them to know these parts of my life. but, i guess it was rather foolish of myself.

god, im so tired of being in a facade. part of me wants to break free, another just quivers in pathetic fear. at this age, it almost seems bizzare for me to be uttering sighs of depression, with all the possibilities around me. experiences waiting to be discovered. sights, smells, textures, all the glorious senses waiting to be aroused. so why am i shaking, shaking so badly that i can't move? why?

i do realize i'm not the one to act alone. and it is sad to think that perhaps i hate the closest ones i seem to have now, it bores me to bits.

i don't write much

why can't you
have what you want
why won't you
want what you have.

similarities in abundance
no intervention.
ego? class? hypocrisy?
fear.

all that i ask from you
contentment, bravery, sense,
intelligence.

and you shall be.

randomity

fourteen year-old brother was rummaging through the free leaflets in don't panic, and they gave away free promotional condoms for the world aids day. he was figuring out what they were.

dad saw it and started to freak out, asking obscure questions like "what is that" "where did u get it?"

sangat kelakar ;)

jimmy baby

so in love with the soundtrack from the movie, across the universe.

funny thing la, went to see the movie, didnt expect it to be ...a musical. but, jim sturgees is so hot, and hes worth the whole 2 hours sitting in the blistering cold.

sangat very the fucking sizzling hot.

see, why can't i find myself a cute british dude like him and settle down? i would do it in a heartbeat. make that half.

anyway. nw that the holidays are started, i find myself with an abundance of time. u knw hw they always say that time is golden? anyone wanna have my time, and give me moolah instead.

okay, so im home . will be here til the end of the month. siapa mau hangout, any time, pls, do not hesitate to give me a buzz ;)

my memory will fail me someday, maybe. so i better write up on that day :)

the plan was to watch avp, but seeing as it was a public holiday, i was pretty sure that there wouldn't be any tickets at all, and seeing as he wanted to take a cab there it seemed pretty stupid. so i went ahead and rented a car, and thank goodness the lady had one available (it was the last one :D somehow i am convinced that i am very lucky). drove to mbo, which, of course was full. decided to wander off to mp instead...

...and somehow we ended up in starbucks. the place where we had our first date, somwhere in february i guess. sat near the exact same place, but the difference is now i am a different person, and he is a year older hahaha.

walked around for a bit, and he swears he won't come shopping with me ever again. (yeah, but it was okay for him to browse around, kan?) later decided on where to have dinner, and since his meat-craving side came out, tried to find places where they served steak. ended up in asian havana cafe, and i was so glad he liked it. funny thing was, i don't remember why i never told him about the place before.

well, to tell the truth, i would rather bring him to nicer places, but as we are in malacca, we will just have to make do with what we have. hopefully soon, i will be able to do all the best things for him.

went back to his place, and had our little celebration :)

had cake, took a few pics and the funniest thing happened. shall not be mentioned here for my safety tho ;) got him a book, and the shirt that he had been eyeing for a few times. baby i'm so glad that u liked it. was contemplating pf getting him perfume instead but that can wait.

babe,

i like you a lot. sometimes, when i think about it , i have the idea that it could just be the fact that i am used to having you around, but then sometimes i think that its real. i know how you feel towards me, and its just hard sometimes. but let's not think about the future too much, shall we. let's just enjoy now. and right now, i am totally head over heels with you <3 you're a wonderful guy, and i really appreciate the fact that you open up to me, and accepts me as i am, though u are a very different person from me. and i know u wish sometimes i am more mature, grown up, probably a woman and not a girl. through all the screw-ups i made, ur able to look past it and give me another chance. i will make myself better, not just for ur sake, but for mine also. right now, i can't think of anyone else to be around with, to spend my time with, to hang out with, to tell things to, to worry and be happy with. ...though you look (and act) like one bodoh sometimes, i still like you!

self-explainatory

being sick sucks.


now excuse me while i hibernate for another twelve-hours.

pro-cras-ti-na-tion

merry christmas everyone. to the ones who sent me text messages, thanks, but i seriously don't know who 012 is.

okay.
something is wrong here.

i stayed back in malacca, over the long weekend (friday-tuesday). instead of going back, celebrating eidul adha, abang li's engagement, quality family time and (probably) partying on xmas eve and so on, i decided to stay here. in malacca.

why? did i lose my mind?

no. i wanted to study. (oh yes i wanted so badly)

and after 4 days have passed,i should at least finish up on the human rights presentation, with full texts and commentaries, and kowtim a few chaps of labour law. am i right.?

.....hahaha.

let's be realistic. i suck.

so it's christmas eve. AND (today, if u wanna be technical) it's moji's birthday. yay. so people, try and guess whats the difference between my boyfriend and jesus ;)

anyway, gonna celebrate it tomorrow, i hope things will go well. i seriously couldn't plan anything. wanted to "surprise" him with something. had ideas of sexy lingerie and/or a strip dance, but realized i wasn't feeling sexy. had ideas of the whole shnizz (rose petals, wine and all) but i don't have a key to his place. had ideas of a romantic dinner but i'm broke. had ideas of doing something fun, but i realized that we are in our exam week. and fun isn't one of the staples.
fuck mmu.

got him a book. don't know whether it was a right thing to get him, but i like the idea of him reading a book with his face all frowned trying to concentrate. super cute.

all the clubs in malacca is full today. hahaha. cube was like another station 3, cinabengs and rempits who should belong in hang tuah mall instead. not going there again.

okay. time to deactivate myself and get ready to study (for real) tomorrow.



and danial, all the best in china. come back with heaps of money and swoon dasha off her feet.