rushed ambiguity

Seemed like I'm only motivated to blog after a long weekend had happened.

Well, a pretty rapid week for me. Assignments (albeit undone, ehem), midterms, debating and a whole lot of other internal dramas.

I realized plenty of things, realized a lot of things about the people I'm with. Lets narrow it down to more specifics, Moji and I are back together. Well, it might not be the most perfect relationship out there, but its pretty darn good.

Realized that I have plenty of caring, loving friends here who really give a shit about me. To you crys, thanks so much. U have no idea that the things u do sometimes really saved my life.

And theres this other issue that I fear will turn out to be Dan version 2.0. No, it's not going to go down that road again, trust me. Fooled me once, shame on you, fooled me twice, shame on me.

And.............. the new love-hate thing I'm involved in......... debating!

Every weekend tourney just kills me. Mentally, and physically draining, and the timing for this couldn't have been worse. The certain drama with that certain boy just had to happen before, during and after and things are very awkward right now. I have two choices... pretend it never happened, or actually realizing that it's a problem and do something about it. Clearly, the first method doesn't work.... but doing something about it will be tough. And it will mostly fall on me. How bad do I want this? I don't know.

Overall, surprisingly my current situation is filled with dramas. I remember the days when stoicism was the only principal around, but I think I'm liking this change. Gone are the days when all u can do is run, this time I'll look at it at the eye and challenge it at my phase. Life's my bitch, not the other way around.

here comes the sun, little darling.

It has been a bumpy week. I could see it coming from a mile away, right after stepping foot into this place again.

Two out of three midterms were done in a nonchalant, half-asleep manner, in which I credit my sudden irregular sleeping habit and constant headaches for.There are also the mysterious skin rashes which appear at random places on my limbs, unexplainable to their cause that’s been causing me to wonder what my body is trying to tell me.

Then there is the whole charade with that particular person, which had been resolved in the best manner for both of us. Things are good now between me and Moji, and honestly I couldn’t ask for a better ending of a chapter that will open up a newer, better chapter for both of us. The break-up had been prolonged, and though I have chosen the worse timing possible to bring it up… somehow we managed to make sense of it. actually, he did, and I'm glad that it happened.

Had another phone call from mom last night, and as usual, it ended up with both sides getting frustrated. Family matters rarely bother me, but these days it seem to have taken a place in me. Places I never knew existed, places I didn’t know could irk me so much. I hate it when each time we hang up, or finish a conversation my heart just feels like it’s leapt out, beating so hard that it constraints my chest and I have this incontrollable restlessness. Sure, It dies off after a while and apologies were conveyed, but yet when we talk again the same thing happens, over and over again like a fucking cycle. I hate to sound immature but I hate that I have no cards to play, nor a say in the things that matters to me at all.

Another thing that irked me in particular was how I'm lagging a lot behind in my relationship with my friends. To tell the truth honestly I miss them, and I feel like there are a lot of things that I’ve missed lately. I had a bad hunch upon waking up today, and true enough things weren’t exactly golden. Started with the mids, then there’s the slight feeling of being left out, and to put the icing on the cake there was inadequacy.

A lot of people had asked me to stop this habit of inhaling filth to my lungs, allowing it to contaminate myself and releasing an even deadlier air to my surroundings. One even threatened me of bodily harm so that I’ll curb it. But as sad as it is to say, that’s pretty much the only solace I run to for refuge these days. It feels good, and wrong at the same time that it’s utterly comforting. Somehow that didn’t make any sense at all, but it just feels right.

Anyway, I don’t know what’s up with you, or what has been bothering you. But I do know that if you have some dissatisfaction in me, it would really be appreciated if the feeling is conveyed to me.

Here’s a toast to make tomorrow better.

Everyone should just be themselves, get rid of all the unnecessary influences that surrounds you. YOU are a great person, and if people can't accept that then screw them.

Anyway, <48 hours to my first midterm and I'm basically freaking out in denial. This time, even Vivek had studied way before me. Don't think I can just wing it this time but I might get lucky... let's see what tomorrow brings.

addiction

It’s awfully lonely when you dial someone’s number, expecting to hear their voice and that alone is enough to comfort you and the only thing you can hear are empty dial tones.

Why can’t I write about happy things, about happy times, about the things that makes me smile. Have I turned to someone who needs pain to function? I keep on thinking many many ways of making myself unhappy, to create more problems, but never the solution.

That lead to the realization that I'm very, very messed up for no good reason. But there is nothing in the world that would make me admit it, ever. Someone, please hear my plea, guide me through this, anyone. I beg you, please.

it's like kissing an ashtray

It’s been raining too much nowadays; this kind of weather is practically killing me. It’s proven that the amount of rain is relative to the degree of depression amongst the people. This needs no further explaination.

Plus the fact god placed me in sunny (repeat; sunny) Malaysia proved one thing; I am not fit for cold un-tropical weather. Last year it was just the second semester, now it seemed to have lasted longer and longer. I won’t be surprised if it started raining tomorrow – oh wait, we already had a hailstorm.

On another hand, I managed to get myself into the upcoming National Novice Debate Championship, happening this weekend at UITM Shah Alam. Yes, yet another chance for me to gag and choke, not just in front of thirty people, but maybe around three hundred. Hooray. But there is one person I wish to impress on the day, I'm hoping that that’s enough motivation and driving force for myself J

AND Ixora boys are complete idiots. I just cant understand why they would throw water-bombs on the pathway. Not only its noise pollution, it just defeats the whole purpose of them having the pathway ; to not get me wet. Fucking bastards, now everyone will get wet walking there, thanks to these certain individuals. Tu lah… mak suruh belajar elok-elok kat sekolah dulu takmau, then masuk MMU buat hal. Kalau menyusahkan diri sendiri je takpe, ni susahkan orang lain pulak. Bodoh.

Ok, time for an important announcement:

To whom it may concern : I will be on holiday starting on the 17^th,for a whoooooooole week. Let’s make loooooooooooooove til we drop dead and crave for a breath of air! : D

wohoo.

The boyfriend.

Yes, I very seldom talk about him. I wonder why to myself, because all around me words about their significant other seems to roll very easily down their tongues and into the ears nd minds of others. And yet, for myself, that doesn’t seem to be the case, ever.

But then again, I think about it deeply and it hits me hard, that I don’t normally talk about the things that matters to me. To people, that might seem like distance, dishonesty, and lying even.

I'm out of practice. I don’t trust easily nor do I like to parade myself and let myself be judged and vulnerable. Sometimes I'm scared shitless of what people might make of me, my character and what is stand for. I know that we should be proud of what we are, cause, face it, each and every one of us are great, just brilliant. But sometimes I find it hard for myself to believe in it. I find It hard to think that anyone would find me interesting, or be intrigued by me. I find it hard to know that someone is willing to listen to me, and my words actually have any meaning to them.

Maybe this is what they call a low self-esteem. Or maybe a bad case of inferiority complex, or whatever it is that people label them.

But one thing I know for sure, is that I don’t want these tagged on me anymore. I want to be the kind of person I can be, the kind that I'm trying to be even half-heartedly. It has been long enough for me to be making excuses for myself and hiding in the pits of denial.

It’s time. Everyone knows we hate weaklings.

if i fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause i've been in love before
and i found out love was more
than just holding hands.

i'm sorry for myself. i'm sorry for not being the person i was meant to be. i'm sorry for letting you down.

i'm sorry.

i can't express my worries through words, i can't figure out the right literature for it. i can't make up my mind, on what i want and what the shit is all about. this drives me into confusion, despair. and it's all my own doing. i'm sorry.