machine

I feel like I am drifting away, from all and everyone that I once knew. I feel that there is a change, an inevitable one that is happening at this very minute, and as much as I am anticipating it, I get pretty terrified about it.

What is it about change? Why is this process so necessary for everything that lives. Why must it happen sometimes, without warning?

I’m afraid of leaving the life I once knew for the life I want. I'm afraid of the comments, criticisms and probably disdain of loved ones. I'm scared of the views of people and their gossiping. I'm terrified that there will be hardships, obstacles along the way of change. I'm afraid of many things, but in the end I guess I'm most scared of fear itself.

Fuck you jasmine.

I'm bored lah.

I wanna take up some hobby, some sort of sports. Had rock climbing and surfing in mind... but. Well, considering the fact that both sports are quite inaccessible, both geographically and financially, I just decided to let the idea into the back drawer of my mind. Some other day.

Quite disappointed with my results, had them checked and... well, it ain't what I expected. My logical side expected a fail, but thank god I managed to wiggle my way through. My pride wanted to maintain a reasonably good result, but well.. we can't have all we want :(

I sangat kecewa okay.

luck

have u ever wondered how much god loves you, and how much it was taken for granted?

well... i lost my wallet (again) , and though the person took all my money inside, all the more important things are left untouched. funny thing is, the same thing had happened 3 years ago, and i did not lose anything as well.

what i'm trying to say is, i am an extremely lucky person. no, not in the kind where u find money everywhere you go, but more of the harm doesn't c0me to me sort. for example, if, under any other circumstances the same things were to happen to other people, probably they wouldn't be so lucky. i admit, i'm blatantly nonchalant, reckless, unorganized, careless and all the other things associated with not being careful. but somehow, someway things always manage to sort itself out to bring me the least possible harm. i'm surprised i wasn't killed and tossed in a gutter, the countless times i have took the back alleys. the house didn' t burn down because i left the hair iron on, for hours. (ala friends). how i didn't get run over by a speeding car the times i crossed the road without looking.

god, i really need to change. it has been enough. losing close to rm500 just for being stupid does not justify anything but idiocy and carelessness.

:(

ancient

Flipped through my old blog, circa senior year. My god I really was weird, and incredibly stupid as well. There were a lot of terrible decisions I had made, and as much as I feel regret, I realized there isn’t a point to think too much about it. Sure, I can dwaddle around on it, or I can just laugh at myself (like I will do, if I ever read this blog in years to come) and try to take life as a joke. Somehow the latter sounds better J such is a life.

On a happier note, I got a very pleasant surprise this morning. Was woken up with a phonecall from Kuta Beach, Bali Indonesia. No prize for guessing who called : ) that was the highlight of my day, and I am looking forward for his return this weekend. Oh joy! Precious, precious joy.

I need a haircut, and evaluate my physical condition. Its kind of deteriorating these days, with the frequent sudden lethargy. And don’t get me started on my back, honest to god it’s killing me. If the small piece of information I read years ago; that a person who sleeps less than 5 hrs every night will ultimately have a shorter lifespan is true, then I should be writing my death wills now.

I should be going to bed. Its 7am and I’m supposed to be in bed hours ago. Meeting classmates later, for a chill session and I’m looking forward to that. Just hope that I would be able to wake up.

How much does hypocrisy affect your life? Is disregarding the truth, so that it wouldn’t cause anyone any harm a form of one? What if u do the wrong things, but for the right reasons, then does it make what u do, wrong? Or right?

wonderful.

im like, such a loser like, omigawd i can't believe it.

a week has passed, every day spent tidur, bangun, tidur, bangun, makan, tidur.

what happened to "going to the gym everyday so i can have hot jessica alba body" ??? or, "study for 3rd sem incase i fail" or "go stalk cute guys everyday at the mall"????

..ok. maybe not the last one. but i tell ya, if i find one irresistible yummy male specimen, i will stalk him. and have his babies. no, i'm serious. producing good-looking kids is like winning the lottery. u can always sell them off if they make too much noise.

anyway, bro went back to college. that means the week of paradise-like-having-the-freedom-to-use-the-car-whenever-i-want period is over. what did i ever do to deserve this????

oh, wait. i know. being born second, explains everything :(

i wish i was somewhere else right now. the house is annoying me, i absolutely abhor (ok maybe not to that extent. but it is a strong feeling of dislike) the large space and clutter. this week only i managed to lose my sock every single fucking day. im too used to having a small space for me to mess up.

let's see, my life is such a routine i developed psychic powers. i am now able to predict what's happening tomorrow(and probably the following week, too). wake up post-noon, have lunch, watch movies, jogging, read shantaram, eat dinner, argue with dad over tv, lose, get pissed off, read shantaram again, bid everyone goodnight, stay up, update (boring) blog, see the sun rise, sleep.

yes. yes. YES!!!

wonder how bali is like? raining everyday? brother asked me to not be with him anymore because he is buncit.

money

bet you're all bored of hearing me ramble on about shopping.

too bad tho, im gonna rant on just a little bit more. mom said i spent a lot (which is true. but i have a different reason for it, lazy to get into the reasons here), and ask me to be more like bro. 3 hours later, bro bought a rm259 football jersey.

mom didn't say anything.

hello, i spend a lot, but in moderate amounts over a period of time. brother blows HUMONGOUS amounts of money, in one go. there is no bloody difference in the amount we spent. fuck, i never bought anything above rm300. its goddamn unfair.

anyway, tired now. will write later about ismail's party.

and i missed iranian on ym. fuck, why did i have to go out?

jude is sizzling.

been watching a lot of movies recently. its a good thing that we have video rental services, or i wld have been too lazy to download them.

most recent would be breaking and entering, starring jude law and juliette binoche (jude has a talent to act as an unfaithful man, dont u think? no man that good-looking can stick to one woman i guess. haha) and i thought that it was really good. the whole theme of the movie was about how we need to break things first sometimes, before we can actually fix them. it starts a conversation about how we don't look, or talk to eachother , and we think that things are fine. i'm good, she's good, we're good. then in the end we turn and look, and we realize theres a big gap between us. i personally like this scene.

theres a lot more in the movie, which i can't really figure out yet. the ending is pretty unreasonable, illogical (tho it was, well, happy) i need to watch it again.

actually, my thoughts are kind of scattered right now. in between trying to think of the movie, i was also thinking of this new book i'm reading. its called shantaram. written by an australian ex-convict, who escaped from a maximum security prison in new zealand, and now he currently lives in the slums of bombay. it's really interesting, in a sense that its very, very honest. its a tale of his life, and his thoughts, and it makes me think, of the things that actually matter in life.

yes, i adore stories that deals with criminals, how life is with these people who involve themselves with matters on the wrong side of the "law". more than anything else in the world, it shows the true nature of humans. the most raw, and purest form of humans. sure. of course, there is the highly stylized, almost grandeur appearance of criminals, with all the guns, and the whole coolness of being an outlaw that often attracts people to it. but it think it is more than just that, way more. i'm not saying that i understand, nor do i wan't to be a part of it. but i like how they put perspective in life. how without all the other "distractions"; and the freedom (in a sense) that they have. the slightest mistake in judgment, the way of acting, how every split second decision is well to say, life changing. the kind of experiences that makes u realize the things in life. love, respect, forgiveness, even god. god.

i don't know. its very complicated for me to explain it all here, and also very personal. but i do wonder about it sometimes. but of course these experiences relates to all of us, criminals or not.

................

ok. back to petty things.

i want to lose weight. cutting down carbs will help me lose 20lbs (thats around 9kgs). but i surely don't have the willpower to do so. or the motivation.

i don't think i'm spending too much money, am i? as of now, i owe the ptptn board 15ks. it's not wrong to want to enjoy while i can, isn't it? yeah, there is some truth to their words, but i myself have my own opinions on it.

and come saturday, will be able to see most of them again at atikah's beau's birthday party. it's been a while. also, went shopping today. blew rm200, but i must say the haul is pretty awesome too. 2 tops, 4 necklaces and 1 short pants. not too shabby eh, my shopping skills.

maybe i'm going back to malacca on monday, just to accompany crys to ger her muet forms. and maybe we will go to the office.

oh. cheers.

today marks two years from the first mistake i ever made.

i'm tired

i'm quite the pretentious liar aren't i?

most of the time, the entries only make it as far as being written. honest thoughts about everything under the sun, the people in my life, ideas, even that green ball on my table (which i stole. by the way) make it only as far as just being thoughts. never making it into print, never with evidence. suppose this is my self-defense mechanism, a way to mask myself. then whats the point of all the valued praises of self-expression? how is one to know me? how about the resolve i made in tears, to fucking be more honest faced with the most undesired outcome?

in a way, it sucks being home. but the sense of familiarity and purpose here made me tick, yes it does so well. funnily, 18 months ago i hated this situation, my thoughts went stagnant, numb. but as it is today, it made me realize plenty more things, sure they are different from the ones conjured up im malacca (where it mainly consists of petty ways to pass time, the building of relationships and ways to act) but i suppose the ones here have a more profound meaning. but then again, both seems to be the opposite side of the coin, i guess. each equally important to myself. but... for a strange reason i feel a sense of calmness here. purpose, but also mixed in with a feeling of being trapped.

as much as i love the people who brought me into this world, i could not (i tried, believe me god i did, maybe not as strongly and full of conviction, but i did try. i did and found out it was not for me) live like them. ideas, culture, life,( although i know these thoughts might change even with the discovery of a mere single new idea), all different. its just different. and how i wish i could make them see, make them understand and accept it, but the fear of breaking their tender hearts overpower it. sure, im trying, in my own pathetic little way. but i guess its acceptable to give it time, and just show them how it is. funny, someone mentioned i was dumb,c0mpletely idiotic for wanting them to know these parts of my life. but, i guess it was rather foolish of myself.

god, im so tired of being in a facade. part of me wants to break free, another just quivers in pathetic fear. at this age, it almost seems bizzare for me to be uttering sighs of depression, with all the possibilities around me. experiences waiting to be discovered. sights, smells, textures, all the glorious senses waiting to be aroused. so why am i shaking, shaking so badly that i can't move? why?

i do realize i'm not the one to act alone. and it is sad to think that perhaps i hate the closest ones i seem to have now, it bores me to bits.

i don't write much

why can't you
have what you want
why won't you
want what you have.

similarities in abundance
no intervention.
ego? class? hypocrisy?
fear.

all that i ask from you
contentment, bravery, sense,
intelligence.

and you shall be.

randomity

fourteen year-old brother was rummaging through the free leaflets in don't panic, and they gave away free promotional condoms for the world aids day. he was figuring out what they were.

dad saw it and started to freak out, asking obscure questions like "what is that" "where did u get it?"

sangat kelakar ;)

jimmy baby

so in love with the soundtrack from the movie, across the universe.

funny thing la, went to see the movie, didnt expect it to be ...a musical. but, jim sturgees is so hot, and hes worth the whole 2 hours sitting in the blistering cold.

sangat very the fucking sizzling hot.

see, why can't i find myself a cute british dude like him and settle down? i would do it in a heartbeat. make that half.

anyway. nw that the holidays are started, i find myself with an abundance of time. u knw hw they always say that time is golden? anyone wanna have my time, and give me moolah instead.

okay, so im home . will be here til the end of the month. siapa mau hangout, any time, pls, do not hesitate to give me a buzz ;)