when u stop believing?

I was chatting with a friend earlier this month ; and as we were catching up to life, love in particular I found myself saying this;

“xxxx is a game, we all got to play it”

Right after saying it, I realized how different I sounded from last year. Before this I never acknowledged the need to play at this game. Back then, all I believed in was where there are two people with the same feelings, that alone is enough to get them by. No manipulations, no calculations and no strategies in capturing the one thing you want, its nothing like this game of chess I’m trying to play now.

What had changed me in me? Did I change at all? Maybe I was too contented before, enough to believe that alls good in this world. Naiveté? Probably. Did experience teach us all to be cynical at the end? Maybe. But is it not enough to just follow that drive inside of you, and not to count your every single move? Is this really growing up?

I don’t know, somebody please explain it to me. I don’t like me this year.

borderline insane

it doesn't understand negatives. it doesn't understand "no" or "don't". it doesn't get humour, nor sarcasm. all these are just the manifestations of it. now.. the trick is, you can program it to give you what you want. the moment u visualize it, it will materialize, how cool is that?

well somebody told me these secrets, and i personally envy him for being the blessed child. but i'm going to try them anyway. just don't expect me to abandon all moroseness altogether, that's why i have you, my love. maybe i'm making allowances for myself, but c'est la vie.

c'est la vie, c'est la vie.

life's too awful to be good. oh wait, i meant that the other way around. :)

the chair

It has always been there, with us and you left it with me when you went away.
Three years of condensed memories, all sticking on it like the faint smell of smoke.

I didn't want to let you go, but things had to go on.

I didn't want to leave you but I had to.

I want to be angry at someone, but I can't.

Now when the nights fill me and the thoughts come rushing in, I find myself lost again.

I miss you terribly, take me away. Please.

to do beautiful things, a good dy

a precious gem

Haven't felt this way for so long, and to be honest, I'm really enjoying it :) though I don't know how things will turn out, I'm keeping my fingers crossed indefinitely. Now I have a secret, do you?

Also, going off to le island Paradis tomorrow. I'm spending money I don't have but it's fine. Am really looking forward to the sun exposure, no not Melaka-like sweltering killer heat but the nice, windy, beach-side type. But hey, let's not get too burned this time, can't afford another 6 months to pale away.

To Li, my love, please don't worry too much. I can't tell u how much I miss you, hang in there allright. I'm always praying for you.

Its been 5 months since that day. Tonight, I lived it for you. For all that we had before, it was beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Do not get me wrong, my Loves. Think not that I am stuck here, if only they would understand. All that feels are excited, for that alone I will always remember you.

It's allright if they don't, for that I know what this is :)

black & heavy

This is a letter of hate. Nothing good will come out from acknowledging these spiteful emotions, but it needs to come out, before it manifests itself into something irreversible.

I know you. I know each and every single cell inside of you. I know your games, I know your tricks, I know how you make a person sway, I know what makes you tick, what makes your heart beats faster. What I don’t know is how you can sit around idly and just watch people who care about you writhing away like dust?

How can something u preached sounds so beautiful, and yet when it’s time to make the words real you choose to turn your back against it?It really hurts me, and I’m sure it hurts others out there too. I can’t believe someone who has worked so much to have something to call theirs, lets it go the moment it is.

I hate you, the more I think about it that page that was written months ago seems true again. Everything he said was true. I can’t sit around and let you use me again. Not anymore. I hate your words. No truth comes out of it anymore. I hate your thoughts, they don’t seem to matter the things that does. I hate everything about you, enough to make me disappear for good after this. She did, why shouldn’t I?

I am not the first one to say this, maybe u should take a look around and see how you are sucking the life out of people. Maybe I don’t want to be the latter anymore.

Goodbye. I hope I have enough strength to leave you now.

smokey

hello again, it's been a while.

i'm starting to forget,how things are. when a huge part of you have been ignoring, sometimes that state takes over and becomes reality. but in the same time... this feeling is growing stronger.

soon i will have to make it, and whats worse? losing or gaining? or being the in-between. someone come now so that i can pour myself. not everything is personal.

do u know?