my memory will fail me someday, maybe. so i better write up on that day :)

the plan was to watch avp, but seeing as it was a public holiday, i was pretty sure that there wouldn't be any tickets at all, and seeing as he wanted to take a cab there it seemed pretty stupid. so i went ahead and rented a car, and thank goodness the lady had one available (it was the last one :D somehow i am convinced that i am very lucky). drove to mbo, which, of course was full. decided to wander off to mp instead...

...and somehow we ended up in starbucks. the place where we had our first date, somwhere in february i guess. sat near the exact same place, but the difference is now i am a different person, and he is a year older hahaha.

walked around for a bit, and he swears he won't come shopping with me ever again. (yeah, but it was okay for him to browse around, kan?) later decided on where to have dinner, and since his meat-craving side came out, tried to find places where they served steak. ended up in asian havana cafe, and i was so glad he liked it. funny thing was, i don't remember why i never told him about the place before.

well, to tell the truth, i would rather bring him to nicer places, but as we are in malacca, we will just have to make do with what we have. hopefully soon, i will be able to do all the best things for him.

went back to his place, and had our little celebration :)

had cake, took a few pics and the funniest thing happened. shall not be mentioned here for my safety tho ;) got him a book, and the shirt that he had been eyeing for a few times. baby i'm so glad that u liked it. was contemplating pf getting him perfume instead but that can wait.

babe,

i like you a lot. sometimes, when i think about it , i have the idea that it could just be the fact that i am used to having you around, but then sometimes i think that its real. i know how you feel towards me, and its just hard sometimes. but let's not think about the future too much, shall we. let's just enjoy now. and right now, i am totally head over heels with you <3 you're a wonderful guy, and i really appreciate the fact that you open up to me, and accepts me as i am, though u are a very different person from me. and i know u wish sometimes i am more mature, grown up, probably a woman and not a girl. through all the screw-ups i made, ur able to look past it and give me another chance. i will make myself better, not just for ur sake, but for mine also. right now, i can't think of anyone else to be around with, to spend my time with, to hang out with, to tell things to, to worry and be happy with. ...though you look (and act) like one bodoh sometimes, i still like you!

self-explainatory

being sick sucks.


now excuse me while i hibernate for another twelve-hours.

pro-cras-ti-na-tion

merry christmas everyone. to the ones who sent me text messages, thanks, but i seriously don't know who 012 is.

okay.
something is wrong here.

i stayed back in malacca, over the long weekend (friday-tuesday). instead of going back, celebrating eidul adha, abang li's engagement, quality family time and (probably) partying on xmas eve and so on, i decided to stay here. in malacca.

why? did i lose my mind?

no. i wanted to study. (oh yes i wanted so badly)

and after 4 days have passed,i should at least finish up on the human rights presentation, with full texts and commentaries, and kowtim a few chaps of labour law. am i right.?

.....hahaha.

let's be realistic. i suck.

so it's christmas eve. AND (today, if u wanna be technical) it's moji's birthday. yay. so people, try and guess whats the difference between my boyfriend and jesus ;)

anyway, gonna celebrate it tomorrow, i hope things will go well. i seriously couldn't plan anything. wanted to "surprise" him with something. had ideas of sexy lingerie and/or a strip dance, but realized i wasn't feeling sexy. had ideas of the whole shnizz (rose petals, wine and all) but i don't have a key to his place. had ideas of a romantic dinner but i'm broke. had ideas of doing something fun, but i realized that we are in our exam week. and fun isn't one of the staples.
fuck mmu.

got him a book. don't know whether it was a right thing to get him, but i like the idea of him reading a book with his face all frowned trying to concentrate. super cute.

all the clubs in malacca is full today. hahaha. cube was like another station 3, cinabengs and rempits who should belong in hang tuah mall instead. not going there again.

okay. time to deactivate myself and get ready to study (for real) tomorrow.



and danial, all the best in china. come back with heaps of money and swoon dasha off her feet.

i'm broke.

people keep on saying that, i keep on saying it so many times. but seriously, this spending habit is getting a bit out of control.

i withdrew rm300 today.

and theres less than rm50 left.

what the fuck did i do?? i don't even know.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

by this rate, all the ptptn money would have lesap into thin air. and i will be penniless!!

shopping will be hiatus until next break. even online ones

butiwanthtecardiandthattopandthatjeans

been spending the past week with moji when finally last night i left him alone to continue with his studying. sometimes i can't help but feel like i am disturbing him when i'm around. i sleep, i laze around and i don't do anything. some motivation eh? :(

went back to KL this morning. was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that i spent a lot. and got moji's present for him. hope he will like it. went to bangsar, and i never realized it was such a high-end place. fuck, no place for a student like me to be roaming around.

but it's good motivation to earn a lot later on.

there is this chaos inside of me. it's coming out from uncertainty and worries. about life, love, and other things. i screwed up sometime ago, and it came back to haunt me as i did yet another bad choice. i don't want to be that kind of person, but the fact is already did it. what i can do now is just to make sure things don't go as ugly as it did.

i miss the things that everyone is doing, but don't talk about it.

:)

itch

its 3am in the morning and the mokgobjas down the road are still partying. i can hear the music clearly from 3 houses away. best part is they play the first 10secs of each song and then change it. bodoh.

to sha, im really really sorry for canceling out last minute. i know its very frustrating when someone does that and i know this isn't the first time i did it, i'm so sorry. it won't happen again, i promise.

p/s - iranian looks so good with formal clothes wei. so yummy yummy til can strip him off and eat him raw - w - <3

and the itch is back. fucking itch. FUCKING ITCH. this is where my willpower comes in.

want

any of u want to know the feeling of torture? i am not proud to say, but i did experienced it last night, and i can tell u how it feels.

it is when u itch, but there is no way u can ever scratch, or touch the place that itches.

i tell you, that IS the worst feeling in the world. both pysically and mentally.

just thinking about it makes my buluroma meremang. brrrrr!

anyway, went to DP(again) to try to find another pair of jeans. hey, it is the sales season, and all the pre-exam tension is catching up to me, i need a place to release, no? what better way than to have (imaginary) retail therapy, and i also wntd to spend some time with that handsome iranian boy. sad enough, didn't get any nice buys, as the stores here didn't carry bigger sizes for me. bodoh kn? they think all malaysians are stickthin and cardboard-like ke?

but as i was walking around, saw something i really liked. now people, i don't usually do this, but seeing my birthday is coming round the corner this february... around the ninth of the month... and you know, as the kind and thouhgtful person i am, i would like to save u guys the trouble of finding me a present... may i recommend you something?

!!! retailing at roxy stores near you(DP) at only rm 189.90 !!!

so very the lawa, blood red colour with quilted heart-shaped design and stuff. with the perfect size (not too small, and not too big like an oversized carrier) and got the buckle thingy at the front. cantiiiiiiiik!!

....but anyway, this is just a recommendation. feel free to get me anything else :) but hey, i do recommend u guys get this one. it will make me extremely happy.

hehe. sorry a bit mukatakmalu.

missed cube last night because i just came back from dinner, and when i read the msg it was a bit too late. heard some things happened, but hey V, just explain everything to her, i'm sure she will appreciate your honesty. and she is a nice, wonderful girl, she will understand. besides, it will always be better to hear things from you yourself, however bad it will be rather than coming out of someone else, whose words may be twisted by malicious intentions. i wish u all the best, dude.

anywayyyyyysssssssssssssssssssss heard from crys the delusion of some people. i guess when someone has too many shadows hiding in their closets, every single statement that mirrors their behaviour, however minute it is stings them like a poisonous venom. as accurately depicted in the malay proverb, siapa makan cili, dia yang terasa pedasnya.

thats why... didn't your mothers ever told u guys to be nice to everyone? live a life with a clear conscience and clear mind? see, now, at the beginning of ur life, where all u actually need to worry is to grow up and study, theres just way too much things to cloud your mind. i pity these people. pity, don't hate.

and i should be studying, or at least get ready for the presentation tomorrow. but i feel so demotivated, even with the iranian sitting infront of me studying.

i guess i need the push. or desperation, or both. :(

merge them baby

i finally popped the giamungous zit on my left cheek. man, the thing is just uglorrendous, its not the cute pink shade that its supposed to be but a dark maroon greyish dead colour. but i think the core is still inside, too scared to press it harder. damn pain wei.

and for the second consecutive day, i went to jogging. made a promise to myself (and one other person) that i will lose my tummy by the end of beta. why? cos i wanna be hot. how? by jogging and doing ab practices everynight :)

and i just blew all seven rounds and 100 situps by eating a plate of oily greasy plate of char kuey teow. (that wasn't even all that nice, but i ate it all anyway. retardation)

but. WHY the hell do all my friends have to be on holiday now? keep getting sms-es asking to hng out, but in reality is i HAVE EXAMS IN TEN DAYS TIME. (and naturally, haven't studied shit). WHY can't u guys cuti when i have cuti? WHY do u have to put me in this state or torture? WHY??? stupid mmu.

and my cbox rosak. how do i fix it?

i'm still alive.

yeah. saya masih di sini.

weekend was a bomb. went to mardi gras saturday night, and as much as i love the city, the crowd was just so-so. no cute guys, nil. there was this one boy, but he looks 15, and dating children are against my principles. and some girls were talking about us (i.e. me, sha) behind our backs, and frankly i don't give a rats ass about what you say. i know what i am doing, and if u say we dance like sluts or anything, we didn't make any advances at any guys nor do we actually did something bad. its just dancing girls, and it is a club for freaking gods sake. sheesh, women.

also made some time to actually go to comic fiesta. well, there isn't much hype about it anymore, lost interest in the whole ACG fandom thing quite some time ago. just bought ade's doujin, the rakuen and i must tell ya, mahata is pretty darn good. he could go pro if he wanted to.

funny thing, how come i still keep in contact with dan? soemtimes i just pity him, sometimes i just miss his company, but ultimately i don't know why i keep hanging around. come on, cut off all ties, and just move away ok. it's not really something you'll miss in the long run.

moji's gonna have to move into a new place soon. i want to bring him around to kl and all the nice dining places, hang out and stuff. but theres 15 days to go til the end of the exams, and i still havent started on anything.

shit.

valiappati mamaleh mamaleh

two consecutive nights of midnight mcd binging.

i hate myself.

mana tak gemuk, makan makanan so fucking healthy and at the right hours pulak tu.

seriously. what happened to my resolution to lose the hefty 5kgs before new year's eve? what happened to fitting into jeans and tops without my stomach bulging out? what happened to having a hot jessica alba body and getting all the hot chicks? what happened! oh my self-control is just as hard as a Styrofoam board.

why.
why.
why.

if i eat one more midnight-mcd i swear i will make myself become bulimic. but it's also mcd's fault for being so available, and for opening twenty four hours. in ten years time malaysians will be like the fat fat americans. long live uncle mac.

up at 5am finishing up the labour law assignments. sometimes i hate doing this to myself. fuck the weather, its been so gloomy and cold, perfect weather to chill and sleep all day. and my attendance has dropped to 33.3%. but on a brighter news, finally did the malaysian studies presentation. super retarded mamaleh dance, but we still rocked harder then the kuda kepang fiasco of crazy mutated 2d horses.

fuck.

i do complain a lot. but that's just good therapy.

p/s - did u know my first diary's name is "jake". every post started with a "dear jake". haha, super lame.

starting today, 200 sit ups, 45mins jogging. sit at home, be stationary and cry. (and study)

i'm conforming.

yes, u read right.

i feel like becoming one of "everyone else", the ones that look like sheeps, as according to miss nilsson.

i want to get one of those bags big enough to hide a chihuahua. (most probably the corpse of one, after i finish beating and kicking those little buggers)

D:

positive & negative

i seem to be extremely pissed off at one particular thing, idiocy.

yes. in general, i am a pretty tolerant person. heck, you can continuously piss me off, and i won't even breathe a word of dissatisfaction towards you, but the moment you cross the line from being annoying to idiotic, that's it. good bye.

i just don't get it, why, WHY! i believe all humans are equal, if not have at least a default capability of thinking. that is exactly why they call it common sense. COMMON. look it up in any dictionary and i am pretty sure it means something that is familiar to all. but why is it, that some unfortunate souls just fail to grasp the workings of this convenient sense. oh my god.

let's take specimen A. it works at a fast food joint (e.g. mcdonalds) as a cashier. some customers came in through the drive-thru lane, and orders for a single french fry. specimen A, not exerting common sense to just key in what the customer orders, decided on herself to double the order and give her two french fry instead. after that comes the tedious, long process of actually canceling the orders, calling the manager etc etc. see, wouldn't the world work smoother if she had actually used her sense, and just fucking give the customer what s/he asked for. thats why its called making an order moron, you just followed the aforementioned orders.

take specimen B, for another equally-good example. after calling a truce, with other partie(s) that wasn't even wrong in the first place after a long and pathetic argument with bad breaths and unnecessary screaming, empty threats and inane words, comes to their personal websites and starts making remarks that shows the IQ of a ten-year old, (where this specimen supposedly was a law student, who had gotten into the dean's list on one occasion, and is seen listening attentively in class and studies often, how that happens, thats's another of life's great mysteries) and doesn't even come close to being offensive, it just merely passes as laughable and pathetic. (and self-degrading, desperately yearning for attention, among others). see, if specimen B had taken just a bit of time, to actually think and, dig up for information, maybe, just maybe it could come up with insults that actually hits the spot. and not just statements that show the condition of their pathetic, closed little minds that equals to an uneducated person living in the rural area.

fucktards. they're everywhere.

okay.

happy things.

i love it when he takes the decision to take me out. why? because it shows that he actually wants to be there, and that makes the whole lotta difference for both of us. me, especially :)

i love when he holds out his hand at the back, expecting me to grab it, and holds it for a few seconds on the fingers just before letting go. it's sweet.

i love it when he makes a fool out of himself, and gets caught red-handed and shows that cheeky smile where his eyes almost disappear.

i love it when he stubbornly decides to get popcorn for the movies, even after a full dinner. just because he likes it, and give lame excuses like "sugar helps u digest"

i love it when i get to kiss him when nobody's watching, and only he and me realizes what happened, and he pretends nothing happens.

i don't like it when he brings up the topic again. i don't like it when he teases me on things that i can't retort back. i don't like it when he sometimes act indifferent, but that's just the way it is.

i love the feeling that i have when i'm around him, that's all that matters, isn't it?

today i ate a lot. no wonder the weights been going up the scales. ate lunch, danced, ate dinner, slept. woke up, ate cookies.

i suck.

and now, headed off to iranian's house to chill. yay.

good luck to islamic consti students. hahaha.

"he walks past us, you leave your food and walk him home as if takut he kena rogol, and walk back alone to us
either u kene jampi, or u really care for him la kan?"

this made me happy ;), for no apparent reason.

fucktards.

there are just too many fucktards in this world. they walk amongst us, sometimes gone unnoticed, sometimes blatantly obvious with a big red neon sign that indicates their idiocy. now, i'm not sure everybody knows what happened to us in our msian studies class. but i don't actually want to recall the tale here. it's bad for my karma. but seriously, the level of idiocy these people go to just never cease to amaze me, never.

what the fuck is wrong with you people? can't you just wallow into a hole, and say, die and make the world a much much better and beautiful place for everyone? if human contact is just too much for u to handle, common courtesy too complicated to comprehend, just stay off the streets, go back in your cave and stay there. trust me, it would make things a lot easier for everyone.

now that's off my chest. let's waste time on something more worthwhile.

for some who knows me, i may seem like a swinger. no not that kind in changing partners often, but more to changing my set of friends. i do admit that i do have some problems opening up to certain social situations (i.e. RELATIONSHIPS) , so i find it hard, and an unbelievably alien concept for me to be opening up to people. and to tell them what matters, what makes me tick and so on. that is why, for me, it was very easy making friends, surface ones at that.

as for the posses i left, there was various reasons for me to be doing so. the cf bunch was just a bit screwed up in the head. the people i was close with during the beginning at alpha just seemed too shady, and the green gang, well. that's what i wanted to talk about.

honestly, they are nice, amazing down-to-earth people. i truly enjoyed the time i spent with them, but after some time i realized something. they're just kids.

no, i'm not saying i'm the most grown-up person in the world, but i think that life needs a certain level of maturity to advance too.

i don't want to be playing games for the rest of my life. honestly, i had enough of animes and games and the whole obsessing about something-thing, it's enough. i like the place i am now.

so, yeah. i never told anyone about this, and i don't mean to hurt anyone, if i do, i am sorry.

okay.

back to idiocy. why do some people do this. tell one half of the story, and then pause and make u beg and ask the question again and again as if you're dying to know the rest of the story, and then refrain from saying so also.

please laaaaaaaaaaaaaa. who gives a fuck about your story. it's obvious that you are just dying to tell me, for the fact that noone else wants to talk to you.

haha. i feel so evil now. but i couldn't care less.

p/s - you're such a nice guy, you can't say bad things to other people. and yet with me, u continuously never fail to insult me. mucho gracias.

here in malacca, the favourite pastime of everyone, is to sip iced-tea and cock-talk about every soul that passes them. how to steer yourself from them? don't go out. i guess society in a whole is like that, this is just the small-scale of how the fucked up thing works. but, sometimes don't blame the community, blame yourself for providing enough cookie-bits for them to trail u back into your dirty little secret hole.

dug up this old pic. look at how nice my ass looked in those pants last time. now? ptuii. time to buy new jeans (or a new pair of ass)

it changed

on a happier note.

weather these days have been fantastic! i totally dig it, and wish that it would stay this way forever. but, as opposed to last year around these times, i have developed a (few) layers of adipose tissues to keep me warm hahaha! breezy and sunny, perfect for just chilling outside and let the sun soak into your skin. perfect weather for a holiday too. anyone up for it? :D

it's somewhat alarming that i only make sad melancholic posts, i should write happy things also, right? soooooooooooo let's recap on the happy things that happened to me these past few days

1. stoner is so cute. i damn layu.
2. i have munnneeey to waste!!! :D
3. not exactly happy, but midterms are coming, and the fucked up std presentations, and the assignments. *grumblegrumblebrumble*
4. i think plenty of people are cute. am i being a bad gf?

ok. i need to study. damn you. why can't i be like all the other good students and just study everyday and get good grades and lead a good life etc etc. (i'm referring to the bookworms. like my former housemates. damn good student wei!)

p/s - i still think stoner is cute. and naju's abang's body is to die for. yummeh yummeh.

i think i'm turning into a horny slobbering aunty now. better stop it.

and. i wonder if anyone from subang is reading my blog. comment la you people, i'm very lonely :( saya perlukan kasih-sayang kamu. kita love.

waiting for the world to change

i'm in a funk right now.

i don't know how to explain it, i'm surrounded by everything that i want, and i know what i should be doing. and yet, it feels so restless. i see people around me, i know there are some of them like me, but damn, humans are so conveniently built. they hide these things really well.

i have just been sleeping a lot, sleep sleep. feeling lethargic but at the same time nervous and restless. why? sleep just makes the feeling disappear for a while, and that feels good.

i bet i look like shit now. hahaha.

okay.

weekends are supposed t be fun, isn't it? the marker of the end of a week, the escape from the routine days of either studying or working, the whole TGIF shizzam, it's supposed to bomb by default.

and it did ;) *insert silly grin*

i just wanna say. i love you u guys so much. thank you tasalini for keeping m company for the whole night and ditching the pak arab. thanks ihsan for not saying anything. thanks crys for having friends who gave me a free drink... (seriously, i feel bad). and i had a good time :)

annddddddddddddddddddddd. my housemate turned out to be not so bad afterall. had a little chat with her, shes ok i guess. comel. i like.

and the stoner is so cute. yeah, i can't think of any intellectual things to write. tomorrow shall be the day. time for bed, good night.

good luck to the student(s) who's having three midterms next week, mwah.