when the dust settles

i'm hit with a sudden pang of loneliness. i was actually having conversations in my head with another person, it won't be long til i start having an imaginary partner. god, i miss the presence of having someone around. you don't have to even look at me, you just have to be there so that i won't saturate into the cold air.

how long will this arrangement work til i find myself so lost that i cant stand it anymore? i have friends, i go out but what i need is someone at home to be. i need you right now, but i'm wondering if you need me.

i miss 7-19. i miss ixora. i miss jalan 3/3g. i miss 3/1d.

midnight matters

he says that its common for the ladies to be doing such things. as much as i disagree, i don't feel like i ought to. it came up to shit of amazing proportions, one that's not easily resolved.

but as much as i wouldn't want you to walk down this road, i have faith in you. don't go there darling. its a messy messy slope down the hill.

confessions

i really don't feel the same way i used to about any of you right now. before, your presence was pleasant and i did enjoyed meeting you, but right now particularly i'm just plain annoyed. big time. learn some manners, please. it's been a year and i expected to see some changes. but i guess people don't change that much, but the unfortunate thing is they get worse. or it could have just been that i tolerated you before.

it's bad enough that your words can't be trusted, but the fact that u dare to point it out to my face sets it off. i just don't like you as much anymore. but it happened mutually so i guess it's not so bad.

don't come knocking on my door again, i won't open it for you anymore. but of course, in your face everything's just fine and dandy. let's see if u can sense the subtle signs that i lay.

goodbye, and good luck. thanks for being there before, the memories were lovely but i really can't stand you now.

and if you think this is about you, it's not.

weekend wars

it's been a productive few days, really. missing home wasn't that bad, for what i did here. right now, company is looking good, haven't got around on land yet though. will do that today.

yesterday's short outing was fun. went for dinner with crys to oldtown that i've been craving and a short trip to pure just to see whats happening. reminisced about the times when we once paid homage to that craphole twice a week and how things were back then. lol the things we did. didn't stay long though, the guilt for not getting back to the books kinda got to us.

oh and the oldtown incident. i didn't know they employed local workers there... up til now! the potato incident will be remembered! and now i am bothered while in bed with a phone call from home. im gonna continue waffling on the bed til i find the perfect position to curl up in. then deny myself the pleasure and wake up.

it's called practicing for self-denial.

mmmmm...

maybe i am blondie(?)

having the car officially makes me a lazybumbum. i can see myself growing like one od those jelly toys that we had in out childhood, that rapidly grows when placed inside a bowl of water. man, not a good feeling at all.

i was such a ditz today, first that was the ungodly u-turn and now the whole handbrake incident. whats wrong with me today? doesn't help that i feel absolutely unmotivated to do anything at all. i feel like shit, i look like shit. but seriously, it's all by my own making isn't it. hahahah. midterms in 6 days, and the process is starting at the very least. soffieah will move out soon, and hopefully i can find someone else to fill in for her. i feel like such a nomad, having already 4 room mates in the past 3 years. i'm starting to think there's something wrong with me(?)

the persian wants to get a persian. such a good combination, i wonder how they'll take to eachother. if the day comes when he'll officially adopt a pet i think i'll probably bcut of my toe. or swear off rice for a year. or maybe just kidnap the poor thing to save it's soul.

and what is it about friends being angry and acting like bitches to the ones who actually care for them? is it hard to reflect for one minute, without all the bias and influences that are thrown at you and see what's actually what? geez man. things just keep happening this way it seems. i dont like seing her sad. i dont like seing people sad.

the con

i want to whisper sweet words into his ear, say those words that are just hanging at the tip of my tongue.
i want to show him that side of me, that's just yearning to go out.
i want him to see this, and finally know what picture it paints.

and in this moment..........

right now i feel like myself again (after such a long time!) :) probably the surplus of happy hormones that i got from 4 hours of futsal contributed to it, but oh how i do miss feeling this way! things have been bad, around three months had passed. in my head the issues are resolved, but i just need to take the delusion into reality. could that be done? hmm i wonder.

anyway, im enjoying my euphoric state of mind, free from any worries whatsoever. im thinking of taking in a male roommate as well, what do u guys think about that? vote yay or nay.

why don't i look at people in the eye when i talk to them anymore? something changed, lets hope right now, these few moments i am myself :)

SCREAAAAAAAAAAM FOR JOY!

i love u guys. i'm giving all my loves a mental hug, for the lack of my atoms being present at the right coordinate right now. xoxo.

P/S- this is my kind of girl.

To all that I've hurt

Less Than Jake - Rest of My Life.

I fell asleep last Saturday
Underneath polluted skies
I walked alone on those Jersey nights, and I
Saw the boardwalk start to fall
The emptiness starts to drown
The quiet corners of this town, and I...
Late last night, I made my plans
It was the only thing I felt I could do
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth

It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life

This is my all time low
Somehow it feels so familiar
Somehow it seems so familiar
I feel like letting go
And every second that goes by
I'm screaming out for a second try
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell me the truth

It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
I've got to live with them rest of my life

This is the mess I've made
These are the words I can't erase
This is my life support, shutting down, for the final time
And it twists like a blade
And kills me for the rest of my life

If you won't forgive me
The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life...

My own words didn't come yet so I need to borrow theirs.
I'm so sorry.

the tailor

i wrote a post but i deleted it.

it kills me to let my thoughts out in the open, free for everyone to see.i am a keeper, people tell me. i got into trouble in 2006 because of that, and found joy recently because of that too. why is it when u find gold shit will fall from the sky on you?

but it's not fair to say that either,in this case. i have it in my pocket. but it is always falling through the hole that i never got to mend.

slip. slip. slip.

i should do it though. i get these visions, these divine insights that tells me otherwise. but the little person in me always wins, everytime. so that leaves me faulty and i wonder how long can i stand it before i burst down and cry. when that time comes, i know when i look around, the horizon will be stretching right before me.

come back. i need you, despite it all.