dil

My baby cousins are all so cute. Suddenly there is this spurt of little children coming out. Aleia and shaha are adorable, shahid, and his little brother’s super cute as well!

Im still wondering whether to see them or not. What they have done is very disrespectful, to me. Regardless of your state ur always supposed to ask first. Tomorrow is Muharram, exams are in ten days. I need to go back to Melaka.

the other side of the world

Yesterday I fell asleep watching Tun Perak the musical. It was embarrassing, even more to li. The thing is, I had high expectations, I always do. And I think this is my downfall in almost every situation.

I resent that. This might sound bad, but growing up where it doesn’t compel you to do anything does u no good. Having people constantly putting you down for the things that u might even think to challenge isn’t good. Everything is too rigid, there isn’t any choice. Clear cut rules have been made, but it just wasn’t made for me.

Somehow I know I can’t blame them for everything, though as much as I want to. Do I have to live with this? Knowing there are things out there that I will never experience? See, that’s just where we are different, and somehow I think this difference is just palpable. I don’t feel any belonging, any attachments rather that what was already constituted. It’s not just them, it’s the whole bunch of them. So what is the concept for? A pre-made set of rules that seemingly makes things easier and yet it doesn’t.

God, sometimes I just feel like cutting. A sharp, fast cut.

the 100th post!

rejoice, it made it this far! let's celebrate! whilei realize i don't blog as much, the fault is really just plain 'ol genetics. you see, one was not blessed with the literary gene, hence parents in banking and siblings in engineering says it all. 33 hours away to aqeil's paper, and i haven't been inspired to bury my face in the xeroxed version of the book, guess the panic hasn't really kicked in yet.

today with the boy, it struck me how much longer will we remain friends. popped the question out at an unreasonable time, hence the ignorant reply. but seriously, how long? i do hope forever is in the option, as childish as it may sound. as per moment i can't imagine not talking to him after the span of 36 hours, nanti rindu.

and what's up with her being vindictive? what are u trying to prove, girl? when ur statements are all wrong. and unnaturally the only thing spewing from your rear are those words. it kinda makes u look like a clod, don't u think? aw well, not that i care, but it's just nice to hear some mindless gossip sometimes to pass time.

so yeah, the agendas after the paper's gonna be great. i'm thinking of taking up french, as pretentious as the language may sound, its beautiful. shit, why am i in law again?

i got jittery around sorrow

i felt it because i was unsure. is this the right thing to do? will it affect anything else? i knew it wouldn't happen, yet i started anyway. did that portray me as something i'm not? is it any different that we knew before it started? why the hell did i go in the first place?

le uber shit. but his body language afterwards did suggests positivity. then again, what do i know about psychology?

wait a minute, i hate psychology.

note

I'm tired.

I'm tired of idling around while everything that matters pass me by. Time won't wait for u anymore, so come on, do something will you? This is the time. Theres no more contemplating, nor being dilly-dally about it. So why?

Just suck it all in, theres so much more at stake then what you're missing. Theres so much more gift and glory to losses.

dum de dum

I'm in the mood to blog :D regardless that I overslept again and missed my Computer law class, it still doesn’t ruin the fact that the day is lovely and the sun still shines.

Happy, happy things had happened lately. All the past dramas and (might I even say it!) bullshit had passed, and I'm over the top that it did. But the icing on the cake would of course be… the amazing beach trip.

4 days of the pure nature. The sun, sea, and the fishes! And to a dear friend of mine, who showed me sides I’d never seen before (not so appealing now eh? Hahaha) I can’t say how happy I am to have gone on this trip with you. Funny stuff happened one after the other, the best being lost in the jungle. At least we had learned our lessons, always bring shoes, no matter what. ;) next stop… RECHARGE!

As planned, now would be the time to give it my all to my rightful cause. I made a promise to myself to make this semester better, and plenty are out there to see me do it. For the loves of my life, I shan’t fail this time. God please give me the courage and fortitude to make it happen.

absolut

last night was massive, crazy fun. in a million years (sober) i would never have let it to happen right here in this vicinity, ever. apart from the inappropriate location, things were pretty damn awesome ;) to the guys, u know who u are. u guys are massive.

he popped the question last night. but this time, i realized something had changed within me, as i did not immediately jump at the chance and screamed "YES" at the top of my lungs. i do not know whether this change is good or bad, the way i'm feeling for all this, and the things that we talk about. even after 18 months, we still couldn't figure out a way to exist cohabitantly, at the very least as friends. how are we to move ahead? we took that step, and turning back was the sanest thing we ever did in a long time.

i should come up with an answer soon. my heart and my mind are not at ease, however the outcome of the decision may be.

fuck this, i need a stiff one.

condescending

people always say u learn from your mistakes. honestly if someone does not learn from their past wrongs then life itself isn't worth living. so many things had been done, and nows the time to look back, and move ahead to a better direction.

now, this is specially for you. for someone who loves being treated right you have not even the slightest idea on how to treat someone else likewise. i do not expect you to like me, but please treat me with the proper respect i deserve. i regret not telling this to your face, but honest to god i will the next time i see you. you snubbed me three times, and i may not be as forgiving the next time.

love today

I must admit, the deviant part of me just relishes on others’ misfortunes. Especially when it has some twist or karma involved. See, the thing that I just cant stomach is that, why, even though the circumstances are the other way around , and though I'm in the right side to be pissed, it seems to be the other way around. Frankly, since the whole thing had been resolved I did not experience any malicious ill-feelings, nor do I ever wish any evil thoughts (I’m not just saying for the sake of being noble) After uncovering some juicy nitty little details I can safely say that I was definitely the bigger person.

Karma bites u in the ass much.

Hung out with Crys dearie the other day. Girl ur getting so good in it, only a matter of time before I get my ass whupped again. People, be careful of this little lady, she packs a neat punch. And yes, scheming is mighty fun.

Another thing dear, u ain’t got no class. I should’ve listened to the warnings a year ago, but hey what doesn’t kill ya just makes u stronger innit. I just hope that you wake up from this delusion ur in, before it’s a little too late. Til then, all the best.

Watched Sex and the city movie, and Crys was right, SJP does sound whiny. I loved the series, so I feel obligated to defend her, as she doesn’t sound nearly as whiny and prepubescent as the movie portrayed. The story line was pretty good though, personally I felt it gave a nice ending and tied up all the loose ends after the season ended.

incident

Cami told me this one, about how an eyebrow piercing went very very wrong. see, there was this girl, and she got one, thinking it'd look awesome cool on her (which, imho does look cool for certain people). And one fine day, the stub fell off and there was a white thread sticking out from the hole. thinking it was just a normal thread, the girl soon began to pull it out and then bamm! she was blind, just like that.

See, the seemingly innocent white thread was actually one of her optical nerves. That just sounds super freaky, if u ask me.

To crys, go kick-ass at the dinner. :)

ANDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN the obligatory countdown. A bit more than 24 hours more to go, i'll be seeing my baby home. Yay! Let's just hope i have enough cash on me to handle everything for Sunday. On another note, I wonder if I'll be seeing her tonight there.

Urbanscapes coming up next week.. paintballing next month... (supposedly) beach trip in august... man, this calls for some more savings. Good thing my plans of having a single meal per day is actually a breeze. It's like killing two birds with one stone, haha! God, i love that phrase.

First and foremost, I do not bear any ill-intentions to anyone

But its just-- ok, I'm gonna go straight out and say it. I'm fucking free and bored out of my wits for it.

There. You guys happy now? God is officially unfair.

And i miss him. Rindu rindu rindu rindu!!! Please, come Sunday. Why does 4 days feel like forever when ur waiting for something good? :(

there is no end to this.

Short update on the hols. The sem has started since a few days ago, i can't remember.

Week 1 : Gym gym gym. Sweating like a pig in hopes of not turning into one. Did it work? I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea.

Week 2 : the long awaited east coast trip. Spent great time with mom dad and brothers. Thats the only plus-side to it, the rest was shit. The coastline was murky; the only time i get to see some decent sea was by the road 3 hours before Awana. 5-star hotel my ass. But it's all good. Oh, was sick.

Week 3 : Sick. spent it at home (not) sleeping and both contemplating and dreading my return to Malacca. For various reasons.

SO, now that I'm here theres no escaping reality again. Gotta get my grades up by a whole fucking point. Study more so I don't look like an ass when someone asks me whats my major. Try to readjust life with the juniors in the house. OH, did I forget to mention that I'm living in the reminiscence of 2 years back, where everything was new and misplaced. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? The best thing is I'm starting to open up to the new roomies. Well, at least i knew their names and try to talk to them on a daily basis, thats a good start, no?

Anthony Robbins has been my new hero, every night he sleeps next to me lovingly putting ideas in my head. And I'm also missing Moji teribbly. The scary thing is i find myself thinking about him more often these days, his calls makes me happy, talking to him feels so good. I feel relieved and scared at the same time. Could this be it?

Note to self : Don't ruin it.


Tomorrow will be a great day, the sun is still gonna shine and your pathetic presence in this world will still remain insignificant. Amen to that.

p/s - another note to self. Save up some money, u ain't got no dollars in ya bank account nemore.

ouch.

I know exercise is supposed to be good for you, but I swear to god right now every single muscle and joints in my body is sore. Yeah, blaming it all on my long hiatus from the world of physical activities. The only thing closest to exercising I've been doing for the past 3 months was well, it might not be appropriate to jot it down here.

I'm on a mission, to lose all the flabby bits by the end of the holiday. No, it's not that impossible, just extremely hard. Finding yourself searching for snacks at 3am in the morning ain't a very good sign for someone who's trying to lose weight. But i will not falter. Gotta get this bod ready for the summer beach getaway! Terengganu, here I come! ;)

I feel like getting a lomo. Then i can go snap snap snap at random things and claim to be artistic. But yet again I'm broke.

That's just the reality.

heart of the matter

I have a huge problem. My English proficiency is just going down. I mean real bad down, like newton’s apple falling from the tree down. Just down. It has affected both my speech and writing, and no, I'm not saying I was the best speaker before this but its just gotten really affected (by what, I have no idea!)

Even he had realized it too.

Anyway, for the week-gap between the horrible paper and the next one I'm just staying back here in Subang. Told mom I’ll be back today, so she called me at 2pm to ask where I was (see, I was supposed to already be in KL at this time). No surprise there, I was still in bed.

Anyway, nothing really interesting happened lately. Life had been a constant monotone. Three items on the list : sleeping, eating, studying. Thankfully I’ve been camping over at Moji’s for the past month, so at least there was a person I could bug whenever I want ;)

The last big thing was Tiesto, and then there were the exams. There was this couple of girls I met at the rave, lovely girls, both of them. Went and hung out with them yesterday, it was fun. But, it was too bad I couldn’t stay longer cause there would be noone to send me back to Subang if we went to Sugar. I wish I had my own rides at this time, or at the very least a driver to pick me up here and there (haha, dream on!)

I miss Li, but she’s away in Australia right now, and apparently head over heels with some chick (yes, not dude). Hurry up and come home babe, I nak dengar ur cerita! (and I need to tell u some ceritas as well) I miss Naj but she’s also away at Perhentian. I miss Ain and Nad but they’re both currently not available!! God, where is everyone? There are 26 mil people in Malaysia and I’m sitting in my house alone right now. Even my parents social calendar is marked more than mine. Sheesh, that’s depressing.

Til next time. Hopefully by writing here more I can imporove -- sorry, repair my English.

what a scummy -man

I wrote a dear jane’s letter, regarding what happened. Halfway through finishing it I realized it really doesn’t matter anymore.

Things happen, and yes, it’s disheartening to see it go down that way. But what it has shown me was far more valuable then the time spent getting into a slump over it. Some things are clearly not worth it, and this is just one of them. As for now… I can’t tell what's going to happen next, but I seriously don’t care.

It was not the theft that saddened me (okay. I didn’t suffer any loss, and frankly from the beginning I really do not care about it. That should explain why I didn’t ask you for the updates on it, I know what was happening anyway.) at first I couldn’t believe that you had accused me of doing it, and regardless of what u said ; that it was just a suspicion, u were pretty damn certain about that suspicion to actually act on it. Don’t give me bullshit on the police, they’re crap. I meant the things you yourself did.

What u said don’t correlate to each other, and the way u had acted towards me was; sorry to say, completely bitchy. You left me hanging, no explanations no justifications whatsoever to the way you acted. you made me doubt the things that I didn’t do.

I was resentful. I was bitter. But now I'm really just glad it happened. As you have surely put the quote out, no man can hide behind his mask forever. Thank you for showing me what you really are. And thank you dear, for putting up with my baseless rants and feeble emotional breakdown.

Okay.

Now it’s time to move on to better things. Breaks coming soon, can’t wait to spend time slaving at the gym. FREEDOM’s next week, it’s gonna turn out to be awesome. ;)

But reality hits hard, finals before everything. How the hell are u supposed to digest 12 weeks worth of lectures in 12 days. God bless me.

It's done.

rushed ambiguity

Seemed like I'm only motivated to blog after a long weekend had happened.

Well, a pretty rapid week for me. Assignments (albeit undone, ehem), midterms, debating and a whole lot of other internal dramas.

I realized plenty of things, realized a lot of things about the people I'm with. Lets narrow it down to more specifics, Moji and I are back together. Well, it might not be the most perfect relationship out there, but its pretty darn good.

Realized that I have plenty of caring, loving friends here who really give a shit about me. To you crys, thanks so much. U have no idea that the things u do sometimes really saved my life.

And theres this other issue that I fear will turn out to be Dan version 2.0. No, it's not going to go down that road again, trust me. Fooled me once, shame on you, fooled me twice, shame on me.

And.............. the new love-hate thing I'm involved in......... debating!

Every weekend tourney just kills me. Mentally, and physically draining, and the timing for this couldn't have been worse. The certain drama with that certain boy just had to happen before, during and after and things are very awkward right now. I have two choices... pretend it never happened, or actually realizing that it's a problem and do something about it. Clearly, the first method doesn't work.... but doing something about it will be tough. And it will mostly fall on me. How bad do I want this? I don't know.

Overall, surprisingly my current situation is filled with dramas. I remember the days when stoicism was the only principal around, but I think I'm liking this change. Gone are the days when all u can do is run, this time I'll look at it at the eye and challenge it at my phase. Life's my bitch, not the other way around.

here comes the sun, little darling.

It has been a bumpy week. I could see it coming from a mile away, right after stepping foot into this place again.

Two out of three midterms were done in a nonchalant, half-asleep manner, in which I credit my sudden irregular sleeping habit and constant headaches for.There are also the mysterious skin rashes which appear at random places on my limbs, unexplainable to their cause that’s been causing me to wonder what my body is trying to tell me.

Then there is the whole charade with that particular person, which had been resolved in the best manner for both of us. Things are good now between me and Moji, and honestly I couldn’t ask for a better ending of a chapter that will open up a newer, better chapter for both of us. The break-up had been prolonged, and though I have chosen the worse timing possible to bring it up… somehow we managed to make sense of it. actually, he did, and I'm glad that it happened.

Had another phone call from mom last night, and as usual, it ended up with both sides getting frustrated. Family matters rarely bother me, but these days it seem to have taken a place in me. Places I never knew existed, places I didn’t know could irk me so much. I hate it when each time we hang up, or finish a conversation my heart just feels like it’s leapt out, beating so hard that it constraints my chest and I have this incontrollable restlessness. Sure, It dies off after a while and apologies were conveyed, but yet when we talk again the same thing happens, over and over again like a fucking cycle. I hate to sound immature but I hate that I have no cards to play, nor a say in the things that matters to me at all.

Another thing that irked me in particular was how I'm lagging a lot behind in my relationship with my friends. To tell the truth honestly I miss them, and I feel like there are a lot of things that I’ve missed lately. I had a bad hunch upon waking up today, and true enough things weren’t exactly golden. Started with the mids, then there’s the slight feeling of being left out, and to put the icing on the cake there was inadequacy.

A lot of people had asked me to stop this habit of inhaling filth to my lungs, allowing it to contaminate myself and releasing an even deadlier air to my surroundings. One even threatened me of bodily harm so that I’ll curb it. But as sad as it is to say, that’s pretty much the only solace I run to for refuge these days. It feels good, and wrong at the same time that it’s utterly comforting. Somehow that didn’t make any sense at all, but it just feels right.

Anyway, I don’t know what’s up with you, or what has been bothering you. But I do know that if you have some dissatisfaction in me, it would really be appreciated if the feeling is conveyed to me.

Here’s a toast to make tomorrow better.

Everyone should just be themselves, get rid of all the unnecessary influences that surrounds you. YOU are a great person, and if people can't accept that then screw them.

Anyway, <48 hours to my first midterm and I'm basically freaking out in denial. This time, even Vivek had studied way before me. Don't think I can just wing it this time but I might get lucky... let's see what tomorrow brings.

addiction

It’s awfully lonely when you dial someone’s number, expecting to hear their voice and that alone is enough to comfort you and the only thing you can hear are empty dial tones.

Why can’t I write about happy things, about happy times, about the things that makes me smile. Have I turned to someone who needs pain to function? I keep on thinking many many ways of making myself unhappy, to create more problems, but never the solution.

That lead to the realization that I'm very, very messed up for no good reason. But there is nothing in the world that would make me admit it, ever. Someone, please hear my plea, guide me through this, anyone. I beg you, please.

it's like kissing an ashtray

It’s been raining too much nowadays; this kind of weather is practically killing me. It’s proven that the amount of rain is relative to the degree of depression amongst the people. This needs no further explaination.

Plus the fact god placed me in sunny (repeat; sunny) Malaysia proved one thing; I am not fit for cold un-tropical weather. Last year it was just the second semester, now it seemed to have lasted longer and longer. I won’t be surprised if it started raining tomorrow – oh wait, we already had a hailstorm.

On another hand, I managed to get myself into the upcoming National Novice Debate Championship, happening this weekend at UITM Shah Alam. Yes, yet another chance for me to gag and choke, not just in front of thirty people, but maybe around three hundred. Hooray. But there is one person I wish to impress on the day, I'm hoping that that’s enough motivation and driving force for myself J

AND Ixora boys are complete idiots. I just cant understand why they would throw water-bombs on the pathway. Not only its noise pollution, it just defeats the whole purpose of them having the pathway ; to not get me wet. Fucking bastards, now everyone will get wet walking there, thanks to these certain individuals. Tu lah… mak suruh belajar elok-elok kat sekolah dulu takmau, then masuk MMU buat hal. Kalau menyusahkan diri sendiri je takpe, ni susahkan orang lain pulak. Bodoh.

Ok, time for an important announcement:

To whom it may concern : I will be on holiday starting on the 17^th,for a whoooooooole week. Let’s make loooooooooooooove til we drop dead and crave for a breath of air! : D

wohoo.

The boyfriend.

Yes, I very seldom talk about him. I wonder why to myself, because all around me words about their significant other seems to roll very easily down their tongues and into the ears nd minds of others. And yet, for myself, that doesn’t seem to be the case, ever.

But then again, I think about it deeply and it hits me hard, that I don’t normally talk about the things that matters to me. To people, that might seem like distance, dishonesty, and lying even.

I'm out of practice. I don’t trust easily nor do I like to parade myself and let myself be judged and vulnerable. Sometimes I'm scared shitless of what people might make of me, my character and what is stand for. I know that we should be proud of what we are, cause, face it, each and every one of us are great, just brilliant. But sometimes I find it hard for myself to believe in it. I find It hard to think that anyone would find me interesting, or be intrigued by me. I find it hard to know that someone is willing to listen to me, and my words actually have any meaning to them.

Maybe this is what they call a low self-esteem. Or maybe a bad case of inferiority complex, or whatever it is that people label them.

But one thing I know for sure, is that I don’t want these tagged on me anymore. I want to be the kind of person I can be, the kind that I'm trying to be even half-heartedly. It has been long enough for me to be making excuses for myself and hiding in the pits of denial.

It’s time. Everyone knows we hate weaklings.

if i fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause i've been in love before
and i found out love was more
than just holding hands.

i'm sorry for myself. i'm sorry for not being the person i was meant to be. i'm sorry for letting you down.

i'm sorry.

i can't express my worries through words, i can't figure out the right literature for it. i can't make up my mind, on what i want and what the shit is all about. this drives me into confusion, despair. and it's all my own doing. i'm sorry.

CST

I love love love love love shopping.

But I hate the repercussions that came with it ; the loss of valuable cash. Fuck sales. Fuck living in Malaysia where sales are always on. Fuckfuck.

Anyway, not so much interesting things had happened to me these few days, but one very awesome thing had happened. The person staying with moji left last Thursday, and basically now I have him all to myself, again! No don’t get me wrong, I'm not the possessive type, but well, I love it.

Apart from that, gained a few pounds yet again, classes had started again, pangs of insecurities hit me again, found some new friends again, the usual things that happens in this whirlpool we call GROWING UP.

But I do have decided on one thing, that I officially hate Malacca. Not that there isn’t anything wrong with the quaint little state that has nothing except burger stalls in every corner (quoting a person I knew long ago), but honestly, spending money here is equivalent to feeding it to donkeys. Its that useless.

So being the brilliant person that I am, realizing that I can not run away from spending, have devised an awesome plan. Comeback and spend money here, in the city, where it won’t be like feeding the donkeys; rather the mouths of greedy capitalists instead. ;) oh wait, is there a difference? Hmm.

Hopping onto another train of thought, I love those conversations I have with li. I know she doesn’t agree on me on a lot of things, but hearing things from someone else who is so strong with their thoughts makes it a good pondering material. And I finally get to meet Sufiey, haha. And from what I have heard on the guy for so long, it is a relief to see the guy in person. Li, you’re lucky, he’s so adorable!

And I wanna do yoga classes.

machine

I feel like I am drifting away, from all and everyone that I once knew. I feel that there is a change, an inevitable one that is happening at this very minute, and as much as I am anticipating it, I get pretty terrified about it.

What is it about change? Why is this process so necessary for everything that lives. Why must it happen sometimes, without warning?

I’m afraid of leaving the life I once knew for the life I want. I'm afraid of the comments, criticisms and probably disdain of loved ones. I'm scared of the views of people and their gossiping. I'm terrified that there will be hardships, obstacles along the way of change. I'm afraid of many things, but in the end I guess I'm most scared of fear itself.

Fuck you jasmine.

I'm bored lah.

I wanna take up some hobby, some sort of sports. Had rock climbing and surfing in mind... but. Well, considering the fact that both sports are quite inaccessible, both geographically and financially, I just decided to let the idea into the back drawer of my mind. Some other day.

Quite disappointed with my results, had them checked and... well, it ain't what I expected. My logical side expected a fail, but thank god I managed to wiggle my way through. My pride wanted to maintain a reasonably good result, but well.. we can't have all we want :(

I sangat kecewa okay.

luck

have u ever wondered how much god loves you, and how much it was taken for granted?

well... i lost my wallet (again) , and though the person took all my money inside, all the more important things are left untouched. funny thing is, the same thing had happened 3 years ago, and i did not lose anything as well.

what i'm trying to say is, i am an extremely lucky person. no, not in the kind where u find money everywhere you go, but more of the harm doesn't c0me to me sort. for example, if, under any other circumstances the same things were to happen to other people, probably they wouldn't be so lucky. i admit, i'm blatantly nonchalant, reckless, unorganized, careless and all the other things associated with not being careful. but somehow, someway things always manage to sort itself out to bring me the least possible harm. i'm surprised i wasn't killed and tossed in a gutter, the countless times i have took the back alleys. the house didn' t burn down because i left the hair iron on, for hours. (ala friends). how i didn't get run over by a speeding car the times i crossed the road without looking.

god, i really need to change. it has been enough. losing close to rm500 just for being stupid does not justify anything but idiocy and carelessness.

:(

ancient

Flipped through my old blog, circa senior year. My god I really was weird, and incredibly stupid as well. There were a lot of terrible decisions I had made, and as much as I feel regret, I realized there isn’t a point to think too much about it. Sure, I can dwaddle around on it, or I can just laugh at myself (like I will do, if I ever read this blog in years to come) and try to take life as a joke. Somehow the latter sounds better J such is a life.

On a happier note, I got a very pleasant surprise this morning. Was woken up with a phonecall from Kuta Beach, Bali Indonesia. No prize for guessing who called : ) that was the highlight of my day, and I am looking forward for his return this weekend. Oh joy! Precious, precious joy.

I need a haircut, and evaluate my physical condition. Its kind of deteriorating these days, with the frequent sudden lethargy. And don’t get me started on my back, honest to god it’s killing me. If the small piece of information I read years ago; that a person who sleeps less than 5 hrs every night will ultimately have a shorter lifespan is true, then I should be writing my death wills now.

I should be going to bed. Its 7am and I’m supposed to be in bed hours ago. Meeting classmates later, for a chill session and I’m looking forward to that. Just hope that I would be able to wake up.

How much does hypocrisy affect your life? Is disregarding the truth, so that it wouldn’t cause anyone any harm a form of one? What if u do the wrong things, but for the right reasons, then does it make what u do, wrong? Or right?

wonderful.

im like, such a loser like, omigawd i can't believe it.

a week has passed, every day spent tidur, bangun, tidur, bangun, makan, tidur.

what happened to "going to the gym everyday so i can have hot jessica alba body" ??? or, "study for 3rd sem incase i fail" or "go stalk cute guys everyday at the mall"????

..ok. maybe not the last one. but i tell ya, if i find one irresistible yummy male specimen, i will stalk him. and have his babies. no, i'm serious. producing good-looking kids is like winning the lottery. u can always sell them off if they make too much noise.

anyway, bro went back to college. that means the week of paradise-like-having-the-freedom-to-use-the-car-whenever-i-want period is over. what did i ever do to deserve this????

oh, wait. i know. being born second, explains everything :(

i wish i was somewhere else right now. the house is annoying me, i absolutely abhor (ok maybe not to that extent. but it is a strong feeling of dislike) the large space and clutter. this week only i managed to lose my sock every single fucking day. im too used to having a small space for me to mess up.

let's see, my life is such a routine i developed psychic powers. i am now able to predict what's happening tomorrow(and probably the following week, too). wake up post-noon, have lunch, watch movies, jogging, read shantaram, eat dinner, argue with dad over tv, lose, get pissed off, read shantaram again, bid everyone goodnight, stay up, update (boring) blog, see the sun rise, sleep.

yes. yes. YES!!!

wonder how bali is like? raining everyday? brother asked me to not be with him anymore because he is buncit.

money

bet you're all bored of hearing me ramble on about shopping.

too bad tho, im gonna rant on just a little bit more. mom said i spent a lot (which is true. but i have a different reason for it, lazy to get into the reasons here), and ask me to be more like bro. 3 hours later, bro bought a rm259 football jersey.

mom didn't say anything.

hello, i spend a lot, but in moderate amounts over a period of time. brother blows HUMONGOUS amounts of money, in one go. there is no bloody difference in the amount we spent. fuck, i never bought anything above rm300. its goddamn unfair.

anyway, tired now. will write later about ismail's party.

and i missed iranian on ym. fuck, why did i have to go out?

jude is sizzling.

been watching a lot of movies recently. its a good thing that we have video rental services, or i wld have been too lazy to download them.

most recent would be breaking and entering, starring jude law and juliette binoche (jude has a talent to act as an unfaithful man, dont u think? no man that good-looking can stick to one woman i guess. haha) and i thought that it was really good. the whole theme of the movie was about how we need to break things first sometimes, before we can actually fix them. it starts a conversation about how we don't look, or talk to eachother , and we think that things are fine. i'm good, she's good, we're good. then in the end we turn and look, and we realize theres a big gap between us. i personally like this scene.

theres a lot more in the movie, which i can't really figure out yet. the ending is pretty unreasonable, illogical (tho it was, well, happy) i need to watch it again.

actually, my thoughts are kind of scattered right now. in between trying to think of the movie, i was also thinking of this new book i'm reading. its called shantaram. written by an australian ex-convict, who escaped from a maximum security prison in new zealand, and now he currently lives in the slums of bombay. it's really interesting, in a sense that its very, very honest. its a tale of his life, and his thoughts, and it makes me think, of the things that actually matter in life.

yes, i adore stories that deals with criminals, how life is with these people who involve themselves with matters on the wrong side of the "law". more than anything else in the world, it shows the true nature of humans. the most raw, and purest form of humans. sure. of course, there is the highly stylized, almost grandeur appearance of criminals, with all the guns, and the whole coolness of being an outlaw that often attracts people to it. but it think it is more than just that, way more. i'm not saying that i understand, nor do i wan't to be a part of it. but i like how they put perspective in life. how without all the other "distractions"; and the freedom (in a sense) that they have. the slightest mistake in judgment, the way of acting, how every split second decision is well to say, life changing. the kind of experiences that makes u realize the things in life. love, respect, forgiveness, even god. god.

i don't know. its very complicated for me to explain it all here, and also very personal. but i do wonder about it sometimes. but of course these experiences relates to all of us, criminals or not.

................

ok. back to petty things.

i want to lose weight. cutting down carbs will help me lose 20lbs (thats around 9kgs). but i surely don't have the willpower to do so. or the motivation.

i don't think i'm spending too much money, am i? as of now, i owe the ptptn board 15ks. it's not wrong to want to enjoy while i can, isn't it? yeah, there is some truth to their words, but i myself have my own opinions on it.

and come saturday, will be able to see most of them again at atikah's beau's birthday party. it's been a while. also, went shopping today. blew rm200, but i must say the haul is pretty awesome too. 2 tops, 4 necklaces and 1 short pants. not too shabby eh, my shopping skills.

maybe i'm going back to malacca on monday, just to accompany crys to ger her muet forms. and maybe we will go to the office.

oh. cheers.

today marks two years from the first mistake i ever made.

i'm tired

i'm quite the pretentious liar aren't i?

most of the time, the entries only make it as far as being written. honest thoughts about everything under the sun, the people in my life, ideas, even that green ball on my table (which i stole. by the way) make it only as far as just being thoughts. never making it into print, never with evidence. suppose this is my self-defense mechanism, a way to mask myself. then whats the point of all the valued praises of self-expression? how is one to know me? how about the resolve i made in tears, to fucking be more honest faced with the most undesired outcome?

in a way, it sucks being home. but the sense of familiarity and purpose here made me tick, yes it does so well. funnily, 18 months ago i hated this situation, my thoughts went stagnant, numb. but as it is today, it made me realize plenty more things, sure they are different from the ones conjured up im malacca (where it mainly consists of petty ways to pass time, the building of relationships and ways to act) but i suppose the ones here have a more profound meaning. but then again, both seems to be the opposite side of the coin, i guess. each equally important to myself. but... for a strange reason i feel a sense of calmness here. purpose, but also mixed in with a feeling of being trapped.

as much as i love the people who brought me into this world, i could not (i tried, believe me god i did, maybe not as strongly and full of conviction, but i did try. i did and found out it was not for me) live like them. ideas, culture, life,( although i know these thoughts might change even with the discovery of a mere single new idea), all different. its just different. and how i wish i could make them see, make them understand and accept it, but the fear of breaking their tender hearts overpower it. sure, im trying, in my own pathetic little way. but i guess its acceptable to give it time, and just show them how it is. funny, someone mentioned i was dumb,c0mpletely idiotic for wanting them to know these parts of my life. but, i guess it was rather foolish of myself.

god, im so tired of being in a facade. part of me wants to break free, another just quivers in pathetic fear. at this age, it almost seems bizzare for me to be uttering sighs of depression, with all the possibilities around me. experiences waiting to be discovered. sights, smells, textures, all the glorious senses waiting to be aroused. so why am i shaking, shaking so badly that i can't move? why?

i do realize i'm not the one to act alone. and it is sad to think that perhaps i hate the closest ones i seem to have now, it bores me to bits.

i don't write much

why can't you
have what you want
why won't you
want what you have.

similarities in abundance
no intervention.
ego? class? hypocrisy?
fear.

all that i ask from you
contentment, bravery, sense,
intelligence.

and you shall be.

randomity

fourteen year-old brother was rummaging through the free leaflets in don't panic, and they gave away free promotional condoms for the world aids day. he was figuring out what they were.

dad saw it and started to freak out, asking obscure questions like "what is that" "where did u get it?"

sangat kelakar ;)

jimmy baby

so in love with the soundtrack from the movie, across the universe.

funny thing la, went to see the movie, didnt expect it to be ...a musical. but, jim sturgees is so hot, and hes worth the whole 2 hours sitting in the blistering cold.

sangat very the fucking sizzling hot.

see, why can't i find myself a cute british dude like him and settle down? i would do it in a heartbeat. make that half.

anyway. nw that the holidays are started, i find myself with an abundance of time. u knw hw they always say that time is golden? anyone wanna have my time, and give me moolah instead.

okay, so im home . will be here til the end of the month. siapa mau hangout, any time, pls, do not hesitate to give me a buzz ;)