and there is light.

i have my feet stuck in vastly different worlds. on one hand(feet), i am totally happy, on the other, i'm on the brink of something that will be devastating.

the only thing i am able to do is linger, and at this moment i am flying.

over a bucket of kfc.

I feel like I'm slowly losing you. The things we used to talk about are never spoken again. The laughs and the tears of what used to be is not there anymore. We are empty now, a proud evidence of what used to be.

Can't we just turn back? I miss you.

budding

So its that time again of the year, where the old one's slowly dying and the new getting ready to kick some major ass. The ending line from Wanted is playing on replay in my mind.

"What the fuck have u done lately?"

Indeed this year was full of meaning, thank you God. I lost someone dear to me, not over 3 months back. I gained some wonderful friends at the time being, reconciled with another. Funny how the measure of your life is related to the lives of others. Got stuck to some addiction, made some afflictions, cleared my soul. All sorts have gone out, and in the end, the question still lies.

If he'd look at me right now, the eyes would glaze over and a smirk would appear. That face that I can't bear to look. He doesn't need to say it for me to understand what goes on.



So heres to a new year, with the coming of 2010 (also, a year closer to the end of the world? Hmm) for hoping and struggling for another day. For another flicker to add in the big fire. Another step to matter. Here's to 2010 :) let's all drink it up and savour the feeling of the old, and pray to God that it doesn't leave a bitter aftertaste.

metal tube

so what shall you do when they tell you to conform. its no longer hushed, its now shown in its most honest form. do u still struggle, for that one small gesture of childish freedom, or do you give in to something that might be, not just amazing but also right?

is it time already?

day 49

So far so good, I'm still standing. Thanks to all my loves, you guys have been indispensible.
Soon, I'll be back. There shall be no more words to hear. I'm coming back. :)

You are my destination.

ho boy

this is when it becomes hard. crossroads are never easy, but you can't just stand still there. what should i do? risk this, gain that, or lose this and keep whatever was there? which is a better choice, who do i talk to? what do i want?

but it was so worth it :)

just maybe...

I've been down so low, people look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong, like I don't belong

Staring through a window, standing outside,
They're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them, but I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily

But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me, or maybe just a little letter
Oh, we could start again

And I know that it's a wonderful world
I can't feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just want to cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
When you're with me

James Morisson - Wonderful World

it finally came.

he left this morning. i feel numb. lets wait til the storm comes.

he's there in the dark

Someone said these words to me.

Words that might have gotten to me, I’m not sure. I’m thinking that at this moment, no good will come from pursuing such things. Sorting myself, and finding what’s true is my only goal, and even by a single minute action things can be made impossible. I am touched by the words, by the kindness but nothing would come out in return.

Was I meant to be this way? All excuses aside why can’t it be easier? Letting go, letting in, and moving towards something else. Things never come in the right time, but why does these words seem to haunt?

I hate that you will leave. I hate not knowing u will ever come back. I hate not being able to see you. This might have gone further than what was intended. But I never hated meeting you, nor having you around.

Vienna

Slow down, you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight

Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize...Vienna waits for you?

And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through

Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Billy Joel - Vienna

i kinda wish sometimes.

once in a while your heart gets broken with the smallest things. moments of happiness mixed with sorrow. i never wanted to accept it but right now there's no use cheating reality. i want it to last, if not forever than at least til i'm ready.

but i guess time waits for no one.

me too baby, me too.

:(

day 7 - last day

post agreement, i actually felt a whole lotta better .and things are looking a whole lot better too :) yes, my life is a never ending loop of drama, however unlikely it may be. hope its not too soon to tell.

finally met immy after such a long time. dude, 'ill say it again, u are GREAT company. u trying to hit on the johnny walker girl was classic. real smooth there.

also, tried wall-climbing today and i LOVED it! i know whats a double 8 knot, how to belay and be a spotter! am officially a member of camp5, and thankfully theres something to do now when im bored outta my mind. anyone wanna pretend to be spidey with me please please lemme know and we can role play together!

all in all, i loved the break. and right this moment fris-kay is out somewhere getting frisky. ooh la la.

merely for illustration purposes :)

day five

i've had enough of this. i gave him my piece of mind, albeit being endorsed bu substance abuse. i've had enough of this.

after 2 freaking years. or four months as HE SAID.

day one.

i'm reading old msg histories on msn.

i lied. i saw him die right in front of me, it scared me that i didn't dare tell anyone about it. i'm sorry. i can still see the moment he stopped moving, dear god.

still no calls, though it's only been a day. i really don't want things to go sour, especially with the time running low. why does it keep happening to us? is it really my fault all the time? tell me that is so and i will back out and not cause u any more pain.

and to li, love the masuk air sessions we have. darus still brings mixed feelings to me actually. i love you baby.

and i love you too. just hoping that u can see it.

u just lost 5 mins of ur life.

this blog is getting depressing.

i am depressing.this is depressing. my dad thinks im depressed. my boyfriend is making me depressed. i have said depressed 6 times. how depressing.

if i could delete one feeling from the world it wouldn't be 'depressed'. it would be 'bored' instead. now, thats depressing.

ok seriously. i have plenty to say but i don't feel like talking thru my fingers to an unresponsive crowd (i.e. my conscience). i need to talk to him. he who wont answer my calls. and for reasons i know why.

god this is depressing. i should just go into a hole and die for a week. then back to school. at least then there's something to look forward to.

3 years huh. who would've thought.

it's time

its midterm break again.

i wonder if it can ever top off that particular one :)
we ruled the world.

when the dust settles

i'm hit with a sudden pang of loneliness. i was actually having conversations in my head with another person, it won't be long til i start having an imaginary partner. god, i miss the presence of having someone around. you don't have to even look at me, you just have to be there so that i won't saturate into the cold air.

how long will this arrangement work til i find myself so lost that i cant stand it anymore? i have friends, i go out but what i need is someone at home to be. i need you right now, but i'm wondering if you need me.

i miss 7-19. i miss ixora. i miss jalan 3/3g. i miss 3/1d.

midnight matters

he says that its common for the ladies to be doing such things. as much as i disagree, i don't feel like i ought to. it came up to shit of amazing proportions, one that's not easily resolved.

but as much as i wouldn't want you to walk down this road, i have faith in you. don't go there darling. its a messy messy slope down the hill.

confessions

i really don't feel the same way i used to about any of you right now. before, your presence was pleasant and i did enjoyed meeting you, but right now particularly i'm just plain annoyed. big time. learn some manners, please. it's been a year and i expected to see some changes. but i guess people don't change that much, but the unfortunate thing is they get worse. or it could have just been that i tolerated you before.

it's bad enough that your words can't be trusted, but the fact that u dare to point it out to my face sets it off. i just don't like you as much anymore. but it happened mutually so i guess it's not so bad.

don't come knocking on my door again, i won't open it for you anymore. but of course, in your face everything's just fine and dandy. let's see if u can sense the subtle signs that i lay.

goodbye, and good luck. thanks for being there before, the memories were lovely but i really can't stand you now.

and if you think this is about you, it's not.

weekend wars

it's been a productive few days, really. missing home wasn't that bad, for what i did here. right now, company is looking good, haven't got around on land yet though. will do that today.

yesterday's short outing was fun. went for dinner with crys to oldtown that i've been craving and a short trip to pure just to see whats happening. reminisced about the times when we once paid homage to that craphole twice a week and how things were back then. lol the things we did. didn't stay long though, the guilt for not getting back to the books kinda got to us.

oh and the oldtown incident. i didn't know they employed local workers there... up til now! the potato incident will be remembered! and now i am bothered while in bed with a phone call from home. im gonna continue waffling on the bed til i find the perfect position to curl up in. then deny myself the pleasure and wake up.

it's called practicing for self-denial.

mmmmm...

maybe i am blondie(?)

having the car officially makes me a lazybumbum. i can see myself growing like one od those jelly toys that we had in out childhood, that rapidly grows when placed inside a bowl of water. man, not a good feeling at all.

i was such a ditz today, first that was the ungodly u-turn and now the whole handbrake incident. whats wrong with me today? doesn't help that i feel absolutely unmotivated to do anything at all. i feel like shit, i look like shit. but seriously, it's all by my own making isn't it. hahahah. midterms in 6 days, and the process is starting at the very least. soffieah will move out soon, and hopefully i can find someone else to fill in for her. i feel like such a nomad, having already 4 room mates in the past 3 years. i'm starting to think there's something wrong with me(?)

the persian wants to get a persian. such a good combination, i wonder how they'll take to eachother. if the day comes when he'll officially adopt a pet i think i'll probably bcut of my toe. or swear off rice for a year. or maybe just kidnap the poor thing to save it's soul.

and what is it about friends being angry and acting like bitches to the ones who actually care for them? is it hard to reflect for one minute, without all the bias and influences that are thrown at you and see what's actually what? geez man. things just keep happening this way it seems. i dont like seing her sad. i dont like seing people sad.

the con

i want to whisper sweet words into his ear, say those words that are just hanging at the tip of my tongue.
i want to show him that side of me, that's just yearning to go out.
i want him to see this, and finally know what picture it paints.

and in this moment..........

right now i feel like myself again (after such a long time!) :) probably the surplus of happy hormones that i got from 4 hours of futsal contributed to it, but oh how i do miss feeling this way! things have been bad, around three months had passed. in my head the issues are resolved, but i just need to take the delusion into reality. could that be done? hmm i wonder.

anyway, im enjoying my euphoric state of mind, free from any worries whatsoever. im thinking of taking in a male roommate as well, what do u guys think about that? vote yay or nay.

why don't i look at people in the eye when i talk to them anymore? something changed, lets hope right now, these few moments i am myself :)

SCREAAAAAAAAAAM FOR JOY!

i love u guys. i'm giving all my loves a mental hug, for the lack of my atoms being present at the right coordinate right now. xoxo.

P/S- this is my kind of girl.

To all that I've hurt

Less Than Jake - Rest of My Life.

I fell asleep last Saturday
Underneath polluted skies
I walked alone on those Jersey nights, and I
Saw the boardwalk start to fall
The emptiness starts to drown
The quiet corners of this town, and I...
Late last night, I made my plans
It was the only thing I felt I could do
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth

It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life

This is my all time low
Somehow it feels so familiar
Somehow it seems so familiar
I feel like letting go
And every second that goes by
I'm screaming out for a second try
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell me the truth

It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
I've got to live with them rest of my life

This is the mess I've made
These are the words I can't erase
This is my life support, shutting down, for the final time
And it twists like a blade
And kills me for the rest of my life

If you won't forgive me
The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life...

My own words didn't come yet so I need to borrow theirs.
I'm so sorry.

the tailor

i wrote a post but i deleted it.

it kills me to let my thoughts out in the open, free for everyone to see.i am a keeper, people tell me. i got into trouble in 2006 because of that, and found joy recently because of that too. why is it when u find gold shit will fall from the sky on you?

but it's not fair to say that either,in this case. i have it in my pocket. but it is always falling through the hole that i never got to mend.

slip. slip. slip.

i should do it though. i get these visions, these divine insights that tells me otherwise. but the little person in me always wins, everytime. so that leaves me faulty and i wonder how long can i stand it before i burst down and cry. when that time comes, i know when i look around, the horizon will be stretching right before me.

come back. i need you, despite it all.

i just need to be stronger. i need to constantly test myself to handle the rocks thrown at me. doing the things that you hate to do, will turn out to the the best thing to do after all. i need a sign, a strength that will push me forward.

i need other things to matter so that all my scrutiny doesn't get channeled to this single thing. i need to declutter everything in my box. i need to start over and unlearn 20 years of education. i need to change. i wont even ask for help as it is something that needs to be done by myself.

funnily enough the moment when i was the most clear was that period in between. think how it used to feel jas, and try to get there.

be strong my love.

greetings

i'm in paradise, yet strangely i feel terrible. i want to go home. i'm not whining, but it's just hard to bear. arrrrgh. let's hope i won'y be quarantined tomorrow.

my little bird

i envy you, how those thoughts flow so smoothly out. i wonder what's bothering you right now, what drove you to write it all down in pained emotions? i miss you, i wish i could come.

in conjunction with

Happy mother’s day Mak. I hope the measly card we gave you made you happy. I know it did, since u cried a bit when u got it. I love you, even when sometimes I don’t show it and mess things up beyond belief.

Over the past few years I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you. Constant worry has been your best friend next to Ayah and I feel that I'm partly to blame for that. Of all your children I suppose I'm the most troubled one. I can’t remember when’s the last time we had an honest conversation with each other, the last one being in 2006 when it happened. I miss the days when I was much younger and the things we do together. Even the grocery trips, the dinners and all. I know that you’re just mainly tired nowadays from all the workloads in your life. I'm sorry for being selfish, I'm sorry for being unkind.

I will make you proud of me one day, I will give you what you’re entitled to. What I'm doing, one day you will see and I hope u will understand it as well. I don’t rebel against you purposely; it’s just that we see things differently. There’s so many things I want to say to you, to show you how grateful I am for all that you’ve done. I'm who I am today because of you, of what you gave me. Sometimes resentment happens but in the end of the day I know who my family is.

I used to think that you’re the greatest person I know and I wanna be just like you. Things might be different now, but trust me Mak it’s not all that different. I'm sorry again for all that I’ve done, I know you don’t deserve such pains I bring you. I'm sorry. I love you.

I will try my hardest to make you proud. One day.

lazy tuesday

In some cases, there is no right or wrong, there’s only what you think is right, or otherwise. Where two parties are on the opposites, you only sympathize with your side of the story. What happens to the other person? Naturally, they will sympathize with theirs. Who's a better ally then yourself and your beliefs. Nobody knows what the hell we should do here, it’s a dead end. God save us all.

Li had left for two days. I miss you babygirl. I hope u have a wonderful time, despite all that happened. Think of it this way, u get to escape the wet Malaysian heat for 17 whole days. And when u come back, I’ll be waiting here for you, arms open with breaths that are bated. :)



Tioman is canceled. I am broke and I owe people some, that's how bad my finances are. My tuition fees are not yet paid for and rentals mounting as well. Not the best predicament, as Bali is approaching and i dont think they have any money to spare as well. Time's running out, in less than a month life as I know it will change. Crys asked me once, "What happens then?" I can only say I dare not think about it, now that the circumstances are different. Imagine that, almost 3 whole years. Give me shudders whenever I think of it.

I still miss you. I hope I knew, but I don't and I can't.

tie tie.

Today has been the hottest day in the history of 2009.

I managed to run away. After a day of being locked inside (purely circumstantial outcome) I have reached home safely. Since the Persian is going to be busy these few days I might as well come back and have some fun at it. Next semester things will change, he won’t be there anymore. How will I survive the majority of the week there? Let’s see how it goes.

I have this tinkering feeling of saying something out loud. But I don’t know how he is going to react to that, since the last time I did say it (albeit in a very inappropriate manner and time) it didn’t work out as I hoped it would. But I feel that I should say it anyway. Let’s wait til the time is right. Keeping up with the promise is getting tougher every single day. Its getting harder to resist the urge to not do it. Thankfully the people in my life are here to keep my mind of it. Cant say how much I love u girls <3

Oh, on another note, prom season is back again. Its that time of the year, folks! Pick up ur heels and put on the war paints, the rat race is back! Congratulations to you, in particular. Ur dream finally came true :- )

it still bugs me every night. this is the first time something like this happened, i have so many things to say but i cant. in the light of day everything seems calm, but theres a storm inside of me. my thoughts are suddenly jolted back to reality sometimes, and i feel anger, sadness, hopelessness. but most of all i just miss u.

as a dear friend of mine once said, it will get better. i know it will. time will make its call.

the other side of the story is nothing but calm winds and wonderful vibes. it has never been this good, never this exhilarating, this new. i'm taken on a cruise all over again, but though some things changed some are still the same, circa 2007. both of us are trying our best and i can see him doing it for me. :)

i want to run.

run as fast as i can to a place where i won't feel. good or bad doesn't matter. getting close, getting fucked, getting here, it's all bad, don't try to tell me otherwise. choices? who said u had any. if only i can make you understand.

run with me.

Just a moment to breathe.

I don't want it that much anymore,but how can I say it? Screwed up again today, mother's gonna be nagging to no end. Yes, it was stupid, that's why I don't want it anymore.

Why are you so stupid?

where does the good go?

Lately

I’ve been bad, really bad. Ask me why, I might not answer you.

The bitch is back and this time It made me laugh with less enthusiasm. Just when I start thinking about it as a decent human being it plummets back into being a canine whore. Good for you. Don't go against your nature now.

As for most things I do feel bad. Bad things are happening to people around me. My house has no couch and I feel a tinge of wickedness. It doesn’t help that I'm broke. Do I sound whiny? U don’t like it? F off, (with love)

To li, aa and crys, this too shall pass. Don’t do things that will turn back and poop right in your face.

On another note, what constitutes a friendship? Maybe I'm just being picky. Or I'm just lazy. Careful there, they’re not light bulbs. I miss him so much, but due to some shitty objects orbiting him I can’t do anything about it. Fuck it, natural selection doesn’t really apply nowadays. Still, I do miss him.

It happened again, and I hate it. After this no more, I don't care anymore.

Bad influences? Maybe.

"Those with whom you assemble you will soon resemble"

In this context I'm being very cautious. Obi crashed the car on Monday, there goes my mobility. As much as I'm angry my true feelings are being masked due to not actually seeing the tragedy. But I'm glad he is fine, albeit the idiot he is.

change

Funny how a thing I so hate is currently fueling me to do things I never would. And leave things I always did. I think that it really is enough, things have been said and done and now it's at the end. I don't ever want to go there again, I never want to be thinking about it in case anything happens. Never. Ever. So please, for the sake of yourself, just do it.

Resolutions apart, I am just penniless. Theres 11 RM in my wallet and I'm too shy to ask dad for more cash. Let's just wait it out til Thursday, or he pays my loot. Whichever comes first. First day of classes was refreshing. The Tort lecturer seemed vaguely disappointing (due to her WEAK command of English) but the rest is still unknown. Seems like Aqeil is taking over Computers again, i know Sheel would have a blast. But seriously, law lecturers should know what the hell they're talking about. Acting like a pompous bitch isaccepted, as long as u know ur shit.

whole

Okay, I'm ashamed for myself for exaggerating. The holidays didn't go as bad as I would've imagine it would. I'm far too lazy to describe it in meticulous detail though. The highlights would most definitely be the times spent with the wonderful people around me.

The shocker? Najwa came back! Bumped into her while out shopping with Crys and Sheel at MVM. She told me she contemplated running away, but what the hell. I know u love me too much to do it. Had a nice catching up session, it's good to see that things really don't change, even after all these years of being together. It's like, no matter where u run off to, in the end the ones closest to your heart are the ones that remain. Friends come and go, family stays.

Which opens up another issue altogether. People dearest to me would have known what happened recently, I do not want to retell the tale here. But honest to god it just kills me everyday to think about it. I do admit I'm scared, and people have many things to say about it.

"It's going to be fine."
"It's all routine, no big deal."

But... "What if?"

Ok. Moving on. Last sem marks the beginning of a streak (I hope it is!). This time, really, no more excuses! AND finally I thought of the most brilliant idea for the birthday present. Just wait and see, when everything is already planned it will come out perfectly! :)

thats it. theres no hope for me anymore. :(

to fill time

Sitting here waiting for Ain to pick me up. He called me this morning, and again a few hours back. Again he asked me "What are you doing?".

What am I doing? What does he mean by that? I hate it when he demeans me, so so much. It was the same thing that put me off a four years back, albeit from a completely different person. But when he says it, it seemed to be more substantial. Is there really something I can do? What does he mean.

What should i do?

My heart doesn't feel right. I resented that this happened, and dad is not making it a big deal at all, it's routine enough he said. I should call Obi and ask him to come tomorrow. Presence alone is soothing right, as he had always said it.

God, please let everything fall through. I love you.

mund-ane

Its 11.30 am in the morning, and here I am. After calling him to bid adieu (3 whole weeks! God, let’s hope time passes quickly enough) I'm just floating around facebook playing scrabble and browsing random photos. Off to the telly to channel-surf now.

I can see myself doing this for 3 weeks.

sale no mobarak

It's 2-freaking-0-9 already. Wow, time does pass by quickly. I'm slowly coming closer and closer to changing my first digit.

But so far, I'm really not impressed with what the year had offered me. Bittersweet? Naah... it clearly was laced with ill intentions and malice. Probably not the sunniest person right now, but I do have the right of being unhappy.

2008 had been a good year. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was stressing out about the beginning of the year, and getting confused with the changing of 7 to 8. I had fell hard, through so many things. Academically, it wasn't my best yet, but that's to change soon. I'm thankful that most of the poison had slowly been sucked out from my life. Maybe I'm a better person now for what had happened, maybe not. But one things for sure, I'm not the same person who was here during the beginning of the year.

One thing did remain the same, and that is the presence of that wonderful person in my life. Though I'm just as confused now as i was before, a lot more things have became more stable. Counting the days when it will inevitably happen doesn't seem to scare me as much as it used to.

I've also met some awesome people, and though the foreign feeling still lingers from time to time, i believe when u least expected, it will definitely come out and show itself :) maybe today was a benchmark for me, i can't tell yet.

snowy

We were tricked. Sanctuary has no freaking ice-bar. its just a mini-freezer which requires purchase of overpriced test tubes of failure.

But it was a great night indeed. :) I was actually through with the excitement of celebrating NYE until he called.

"Wanna go to KL?"

Nothing much was happening at Curve, my expectations were blew again. Instead of relaxing at a bar whilst waiting for the year to come by we were running all over the place deciding which place boasts the best prospects. I wanted to settle with Laundry but he was excited with the "ice-bar". MY bad for advertising falsely about it. (Still, i still think we should've gone to Laundry. At least we would have tables. And lovely, lovely margaritas and sangrias)

The bar was 10 mins late in welcoming NYE, as the fireworks had already started. It was a hoot, how people are confused. The couple behind us were apparently temperamental, one minute they're blissfully happy, the next crying in eachother's arms cooing sweet reasons. Truly the effect of alcohol at work :)

All in all, I'm glad i wasn't down there, getting sprayed by strangers (which i still think is way juvenile. Anyone above the age of 17 shouln't be playing with it) and up here instead.

Happy new year, everyone! Here's to hoping for 2009!

p/s - the car trip back was interesting. Got lost in Putrajaya AND Melaka. And of course there's that little extra something :)